Pressing On

I have noticed in my own life that when I am feeling on top of things and positive that I blog alot more. And then when I am struggling with things I tend to let weeks pass without a post.  These past couple of weeks are case in point. There has not been any major drama or hardships. We are blessed and doing fine. But there are some issues that I am dealing with. In the past I would keep them to myself or talk them over with my sister and then act to everyone else like I am "fine". Why do we do that? Why do we walk around telling everyone that we are fine when we are not? Would it really ruin someone's day if they found out that I was human? Or that I don't have all the answers? Or that my family isn't perfect? Would they judge me harshly and then throw me away? I don't think so. I think it would be refreshing to them that truly "know" me. To know what makes me tick. 

I had a friend tell me a few months ago that even though we had been friends for almost 3 years that she didn't know me well at all. She said that I deflected questions and always turned conversations to what was going on with her. I didn't even realize that I had done it. But I trust her and her honesty and know that she wouldn't have said it unless it was true. I don't know why I do this. Perhaps it is because my parents were pastors and we were always supposed to "have it together". I became quite adept at smiling and not really engaging with people. I also tended to attract people that were quite alright that our friendship revolved around them and their drama. And I must have been okay with it as well, because I stuck around. It kept me from having to be vulnerable and open. I could hide my feelings behind my smile or cute little anecdote and deflect.

And I have found that I have done the same thing on my blog. I am sure that you would be shocked to find out that I am an imperfect person that struggles with insecurity, doubt, laziness, and has some serious daddy issues going on right now.  No? You aren't surprised? You can relate? Really? Well then lets talk.

My dad walked away from my mom and our family almost 5 years ago. And I am still upset, still angry, still sad and some days I want to learn karate just so I can kick someone's butt!  I am tired of seeing how it has affected our family, my marriage, our children. I know that everyone else out there that has dealt with this know exactly what I am talking about. The ripples just keep coming. And I tend to swing from trying to have a relationship with my dad and just accepting him where he is to wanting to shut him out. Right now I am missing him so much yet he hasn't been to see us since we moved back to Georgia last April. I am having trouble processing what that means. Does he not care? Does he just not care enough? Are we not important enough? Should I take this personally? Is this just a symptom of a deeper issue? So many questions!

Just needing to vent it out and process some stuff. I know that things will get better. Just praying for wisdom on how to go forward from here.

Choosing

We are more than the words we say, more than the beds we make, the laundry we wash, the dinner we cook, the bathroom we clean, the songs we sing, the books we read, the floors we sweep, the shows we watch, the places we go, the places we've been, the house we live in, the car we drive, where our kids go to school, whether we work away from home or not, the friends we have, and the dreams we have.

They all help shape us into the person we are today but if everyone of those things ceased to exist in our lives we would still have the most important thing. A loving Savior that has promised to be everything we need.

Needing to remind myself today that all the "stuff" is temporary and I get to choose what gets priority in my life. That is right, we all get to choose. If I don't have time for God today, what did I choose to do instead? We all find time for what we consider important. My actions reveal my heart. The atmosphere of my home reflects my choices.

What am I choosing?

Me

I saw a blog yesterday that listed several things that a passing reader may not know about them....so I am totally going to copycat that idea and give you a list about me

1. I am a night owl. I love to stay up late and have "alone time". No one is asking me anything, or touching me, etc...... It is my time.

2. Because of #1 I do not enjoy getting up. Which sometimes make for a bad way to start a day.

3. I love the smell of Fels-Naptha laundry soap. I am currently trying to figure out ways in which I can bathe with it or turn it into a candle...I want to be surrounded by its scent ALL the time. It just makes me happy.

4. I hate seafood, all kinds of seafood..blech!

5. Our family is slowly transitioning to a meatless diet. For many reasons, its cheaper, healthier and most importantly so I do not have to handle raw meat....another thing I despise....double blech!

6. I love Japanese Magnolias!! They are blooming right now and are sooooo pretty! Some you readers out there might call them Tulip Trees...same thing

7. I have been married almost 13 years to my sweet husband. We have known each other for almost 20 years and I am so blessed that he picked me all those years ago!

8. When I was younger I wanted to be either a lounge singer or a radio DJ.

9. Wow! Just realized how uninteresting this list is........

Blessings

Today is a Thankful List kind of day.

Thankful for:

*a husband that works so hard so that I can stay home with our two sweet boys
*two sweet boys that bring immeasurable joys to my life every day
*the mud pit in our yard that fires up imaginations and inspires fun
*the rain that is falling outside and the smell it brings on the wind
*a family that desires to serve God
*a brother that can bring me to tears with his music
*time spent with him and his amazing family
*for miracles....yes, they are real!!
*friends, new friends, friends that have been in my life for almost 2 decades, friends that lift me up in prayer and encourage me in the Lord, challenging me to be the best wife, daughter, mother, sister and friend I can
*my sister....she needs a whole blog....she is amazing!!! and the best friend I could possible have. Miss her so much!!!
*my mother. she has taught me so much and I feel tremendously blessed to consider her a friend at this point in my life.
*my cup overflows.
*music, praise, worship and the presence of the Lord that inhabits the praises of His people.
*my Savior that does not put a limit on the blessings in my life, he doesn't make me qualify for His blessings but He freely gives with a heart of love.
*cake, all kinds of cake
*the fact that I can approach the Father in Jesus name without having to go thru anyone else....what intimacy
*electricty, just makes my life easier
*washing machine and dryer...see above
*THIS DAY.......it is a blessing and it will never come again....choosing to enjoy it on purpose
*for getting to spend Saturday night with our two young men at a Night of Worship and getting to see them truly enter into the presence of God and soaking it up.....they were so engaged and chains were broken in my life and in their lives too...thankful for the words spoken over them and me and the way God ministered to all of us. Definitely was like putting a new lens on our life and future....it is time to think BIGGER. More about that in another post.

Muddling Through

Struggling today as I watch our oldest son try to make sense of his world.  As a momma I want to "fix" things, to take away the situation, to shelter him from hurt, dissapointment, and anger. But I am realizing that doing those things will only cripple him and make facing future struggles harder. It is time to teach him how to cry out to God for help, to pray and seek the will of the Father, to choose to lay it all at the feet of Jesus, to search the Word for encouragement and a Word that he can hold onto in this time. To teach him that forgiveness is not for the benefit of others but to reconcile us back to the Father. To teach him that in this world we will have trouble but we can be of good cheer because Jesus has promised to carry us, to walk beside us and HE WILL NEVER LEAVE OR FAIL US. To teach him that we cannot expect any human being to be able to get it right.....we all fall, we all sin, we all get it wrong. But it is in the getting up and turning to God that we find peace and restoration. To teach him that we are not called to be pleasers. To teach  him that we are not called to make others happy. To teach him that while different sins reap varying degrees of consequences, that God sees ALL sin the same, an offense that requires death as payment. To teach him that Jesus paid that price for ALL sins. Even the sin of the one that hurt him. A hard lesson to teach when all I want to do is to encourage him to hold onto his hurt, to continue building the walls around his heart and to choose to NOT be vulnerable. But those are MY issues, and it would be unfair and cruel to lay those burdens on him and ask him to walk out his life with MY issues on his shoulders. If I am going to teach him about the power of God, the forgiveness of God, the healing of God and the peace that comes when we surrender then I need to walk it out and live it in front of him as a tangible, living example. He will learn that we are all imperfect people striving to live like Jesus Christ and we will mess up but that He provided a way back....confession and forgiveness. Praying today for wisdom, discernment and the love of Jesus to be evident in my life, my words and actions as I teach our sweet young man.

Reading

When we started on this journey of homeschooling I had one BIG thing that gave me pause. Teaching them to read. I am an avid reader and enjoy it so much that if I had my choice I would just read all day long. However my husband did not have such a blissful introduction into the world of letters, phonics, words and literature and still does not enjoy reading. So when I began thinking about taking on the challenge of starting our sons down the road of literary discovery I started to freak out a bit. My answer with our oldest son was to send him to half day kindergarten and let someone else start the process. And by the time we brought him home a semester later he was already reading well. So I dodged that bullet. But this year we began Kindergarten with our youngest. Just to give some history on him.....he did not have any interest at all in letters, sounds, words and when I would try to drill his ABS's with him he would stare at me and either say "I don't know", "I don't care" or just randomly guess. NOT a great start for this phonetically gun-shy momma. But to my amazement he slowly began picking up letter sounds, learning how to write them correctly, recognizing them on site and then we began the process of putting it all together. Now I will not lie and say that it has been wonderful and easy but I can tell you today that he is reading!!! And reading well!!! He is actually enjoying it. If he has free time he loves to choose a book and pick out words. WHEW!!! So just writing this to say that no matter what your fear, hesitation or challenge is today, keep at it, keep trusting and don't give up! It will happen!!! And when it does you will be so glad that you didn't throw in the towel.

So, to myself and everyone else I say "Good job!"

Lead Me

Just had to seperate the two boys because they are annoying each other and by default annoying their mother. Think I have heard more whining this morning than you might hear on an epidode of The Nanny.

Anyway I thought I might take this moment to put down some thoughts.

I had to go to the store on Sunday to pick up some things and our oldest son decided he wanted to ride along. So it was just the two of us for almost an hour. That doesn't happen as often as it should. It was such a sweet time and I realized how grown up he is getting. He was talking about politics, family issues, church, how much He loves the Lord and so many other things. He has such a sweet spirit and is always thinking of others. But what surprised me was when we were in the middle of a conversation about the difference in a Republic, Democracy, Monarchy and Socialist state. He had quite the opinion. But what I will always remember was when he grabbed my hand and said "Mom I am so glad that I have parents that teach me what is right and about how God feels about things." It made me cry. Because as a mother I struggle with feeling like I don't do enough. I haven't taught them enough, we haven't done enough "cool" things, I haven't spent enough time. And I am sure that there are many areas in my life that need improvement but let me tell you....that simple statement out of the mouth of my 8 year old was all I needed to hear. Because at the end of my time with them what will matter most is what do they know of God, do they have a Biblical worldview, do they strive to be honorable, honest, hard working men that desire to please the Lord above all else. I know we will fail many times on the journey but I feel that we are on the right path. He understands that knowing God and His character and following His Word is important and relevant to his daily life. I still want him to know how different people in the world live and how we differ from others but I want to major on how we are similar, to know that God created us all and more importantly, loves us all. I want him to pray for others instead of talking about how we are different or how they need to change. I want him to allow God to change him from the inside out and allow God to use him to initiate change in our world.  Children come into this world with arms wide open, instinct is to love without qualification. I don't want him to grow up and learn hate, prejudice, intolerance and a disregard for God's Word. Instead I want him to know the Word of God and live it daily with conviction, knowing that there is a difference in hating sin and hating a sinner. We are all sinners that deserve death. I want him to remember how God extended grace, mercy and salvation to him and be eager to tell others about the saving grace of Jesus. I want him to bring people to Jesus with his love, not his judgement. I do not want him to tolerate sin but I do want him to learn to love in spite of sin and to let the Holy Spirit do His job. So to teach this I must be willing to walk in it as well. Because my children will become what they see everyday. So today I am challenging myself to BE the person I want them to become.

The time slips by quickly and each day I have a chance to impart knowledge that has the potential to shape who they will become. Wow! What a responsibilty and priviledge. Dear Lord, lead me so I can lead them.

What's up?

So what is going on in our little corner of the world? Well, I thought you would never ask.....its time for an update!

We love being back in the South! Driving around the last week and seeing all the Japanese Magnolias (Tulip trees) blooming is a HUGE confirmation that we are right where we are supposed to be.

We had the joy of moving back into our house when we came back and I am so very thankful for that blessing! This is the house where we became a family. We love being in the country. The boys have room to run and play and enjoy being boys. We have the freedom to dig massive holes and make huge mud pits. We can walk around the pond and observe the various wildlife. We can ride our bikes to the post office to get the mail. The boys get to wave at neighbors and have them honk in return. Many tractors drive by our house and thrill my sweet boys. They know exactly what they are and what each of them does. They can describe it to you in detail.

We love our church and are so happy to be a part of such a wonderful body of believers! We are loving having a place to learn, fellowship and serve. We didn't know it but they all knew we were coming back....apparently they all talked about it while we were away and they knew before we knew. What a wonderful family!!

We are in our third year of homeschooling and loving it! We still have days when I think it would be so much easier to put the boys on the bus that drives by our house and take a day off, but there are many more in which I wake with a heart full of thanks and praise that we get to spend these days together, learning from each other. What a blessing!! We have met some wonderful homeschool families and are so grateful for new friends that understand our joys and struggles. It also gives the boys some time with friends. Just last week our oldest son, who is 8, and his friend decided to dig a fire pit. They worked so hard digging the hole and lifting and putting the blocks into place. It looked so wonderful and worked even better. So proud of them and so blessed that we had that experience together.

Continually amazed at the grace and joys that God allows me to experience.
Every day is a new day, another chance to live this life with purpose, to choose to look at the positive, to take action that makes a difference in the lives around me. So thankful that He loves me so much that He continues to speak to me and is constantly shaping me into someone more like Him.

So blessed~~

Reflections

It always amazes that the Lord desires to constantly reveal Himself in new ways to me. The boys and I have been going through a devotional about the different names of God and how He used those different names and qualities to reveal the different aspects of His character. No matter what I face in this life He is what I need. He alone is what I need.  What I needed Him to be yesterday He continues to be. But today I may discover a new facet to His loving, compassionate character. I am blown away that He can be all things to all people. I may be needing peace, my son may be needing faith, my husband may be needing perseverance, and our youngest son may be needing joy....all having different needs but finding the answer in the one true GOD. Boggles my mind.

So many times I have tried to look to the flesh to fill a need or to fix a situation....why?

Trusting that I can always find what I need in Jesus does seem simplistic and couterintuitive. But it is the truth. In Him I find love, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, joy, peace, mercy, grace, faith, provision, protection, admonition, correction, salvation, purpose, perserverance, deliverance, a heart of worship and so much more.

Today I am reflecting on all He is to me. Take a moment and think on who He is to you.

Remembrance

Tonight I decided to scroll through some the blog posts I have written over the years and was blessed. I have written at times when I needed to vent, when I needed to ask for prayer, when I wanted to share good news, when I was hurting and needed to process my feelings, when I just wanted to chronicle our life so I wouldn't forget, and times when I was testifying to the greatness of our GOD.

I know that I have been sporadic in writing in the last couple years and have talked myself into thinking that I don't really have anything worthwhile to say. But tonight I realized that isn't true.

I recently went to a funeral and the daughter of the deceased got up and read a letter that her mother had written 60 years ago. It touched everyone in the church. What a treasure to have such a piece of history. So if for no other reason I am going to be writing so my family will have that treasure too. I am not sure how it will all play out but I have decided to write for me and for my Heavenly Father. If we are the only readers that is fine with me. If others are blessed or challenged then that is great too.