The Next Steps

I am a person that starts well, begins to feel like a failure at the first hiccup, talks negatively to myself until I give up and then feel defeated because I threw in the towel. I am discovering that there is a pattern, a deeply ingrained pattern that is slowly and subtley destroying me. I am tired of this cycle and have tried on numerous occasions to change, only to fail yet again. But I am beginning to realize that in some demented way, as much as I despise the failure, I am comfortable with it. I have spent so much time in that mindset that it has become my comfort zone. So apparently I am more terrified of finishing well, accomplishing something great (or even small). I get overwhelmed quickly and begin to freak out when I envision the many steps between me and my goal. It seems impossible, so instead of pushing through, I give up.  A behavior so ingrained that is has taken me 35 years to even see it. Crazy, huh? But something has happened to wake me up and shake some things in me. I have been a people pleaser my whole life but God is setting me free, free of the expectations of man, free of opinions of others and free of who I have thought I "should" be. It's a process but God is patient and is doing a new thing in me. But I am ready to move into His fullness in other areas too. I want to finish well. I want to walk in His peace, joy, love, compassion, health and purpose. So what He has been telling me is to focus on the "next" step, not the entire journey, but just the next step. To seek to glorify Him and to walk in obedience and to trust that He will carry the burden of everything else. I was not meant to shoulder everything, I don't have to carry the weight of all possible decisions or potential outcomes. I am simply to rest in Him, and to do the first thing, and then once that is finished, to do the next thing. Seems simple but I am praying for His peace, strength and joy as I attempt to learn a new way of doing things. The old way wasn't working so it's time to do it His way.

Musings

I am currently on a journey. A journey that is long overdue. An uncomfortable journey. An exciting journey. Terrifying, yet peaceful. 

I am on a journey to surrender. Surrendering to my Savior. I am learning to trust, to let go. I am not there yet, but I have taken the first step. And I am completely fine if no one ever reads this. But I need a place to put down my thoughts, a place where I can attempt to be honest and transparent with myself and God. I am an external processor. Yes, I am the lady at the grocery store who talks to herself. It helps me. Helps to talk it out, write I out, reread it a week later and see where I may have been wrong in my thinking. I want to chronicle this journey so I can see the progress made, remind myself of prayers answered, and publicly declare my love for Jesus. 

So if you don't want to take this ride, that's ok. Click over to the next blog. I won't be offended. I'm not writing it for you. But your welcome to come along if you like. 

Feelings

Feelings betray us. They set us up and then drop us on our faces. They are ever changing and not to be trusted. But oh how they are powerful. They scream to be heard and refuse to be ignored. They leave you feeling wrung out, disappointed and inadequate. Or perhaps the opposite, they make you feel important and on top of the world. But regardless of where you find yourself standing, they will soon change and take you on the emotional roller coaster yet again.

Today I am feeling like a failure, like I can't do anything right, like I am not making any real progress, that my life is somehow insignificant and that I am ruining the lives of those around me. I realize on an intellectual level that this is not truth, that these are simply reactionary feelings to current life circumstances, but they are still real thoughts and feelings. They are defeating thoughts, thoughts to keep me paralyzed and stuck instead of moving forward. 

Praying today to the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13), who formed me (Psalm 119:73), and has a plan and a purpose for me (Jeremiah 29:11).  A plan to mature me (Hebrews 6: 1-2), to use me (Isaiah 6:8),  to refine me (I Peter 1:7), to transform my mind (Romans 12:2), and give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I am who He says I am.

Speed Bump

Life happens. Disappointments come. Plans fall through. Things don't turn out as expected.

But God is still good. He is still sovereign. He is still loving. He still has a future and a hope for me. A future for my good and one that will bring Him glory.

I keep going. I won't quit. I will still trust and have faith.

Because He is worth it. And anything temporal and earthly is nothing compared to His glory.

Object Lesson

Areas in our lives that need overhauling sometimes go unnoticed, whether by denial or we are so entrenched in our behaviors that we don't recognize that they need changing.

This morning brought with it a wake up call of sorts. It wasn't a terrible morning, or anything earth shattering. Just a feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting to pass the buck and lay blame at the feet of others. In that moment of frustration, I felt the quiet nudging of the Holy Spirit say "this is the day you created,  not me." He did not create this day to be filled with chaos, clutter and exasperation, but I did by my choices, my attitude and the habits I walk out each day.

If my children are struggling with being undisciplined, it is because I have modeled that as a lifestyle before them. If my home and its chores are driving me crazy, it is because I have lived habits that enable it to get that way. If it's noon and we have not yet begun our schoolday, it is not the fault of my children. That responsibility lays squarely at my feet. I set the tone in my home. I can choose to be proactive and mature or continually play catch up and feel overwhelmed all the time. The choice is mine.

I am thankful this morning for a Heavenly Father that offers new mercies every morning, a new beginning to start again. He offers forgiveness for past sins and failures and He lifts me up and shows me a new way, a better way, His way.

I am going to extend mercy and grace to myself and my boys today but also seek the Lord and His wisdom to teach me His way. The way of maturity, wisdom, freedom and blessing.

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever may be your task, work at heartily as something done for the Lord and not for men. Knowing with all certainty that it is from the Lord and not from men that you will receive an inheritance which is your real reward. The One who you are actually serving is the Lord Christ.

An inheritance? What kind of inheritance am I leaving behind? Praying today that the Lord will walk me through and teach me how to leave a godly inheritance.

Thankful for His mercies, grace, compassion and love today and every day.

Wall Coming Down

There are times in our lives that we get a feeling that something is just around the corner. Perhaps it starts out as a feeling of anticipation or maybe nervousness. But regardless of how it begins it starts to grow. The only way I can really explain it is to liken it to pregnancy. It starts as an egg and then through time and nurturing the baby grows and matures and we give birth, not to an unformed thing but to a fully developed person.

I believe that sometimes God works the same way in our lives. He will plant the seed of a dream in our hearts. However, we can choose whether to nurture the seed or starve it. Our choice, all ours.

I know that there are many dreams in me, they have been there for a long time, but I have allowed so many distractions to starve them. I have longed to truly develop my giftings but fear has kept me paralyzed. I have longed for deep relationships but fear of rejection and the tendency to compare has left me lonely. I have dreamed of writing but poor time management has left me with no time.  I desire to write songs but I haven't cultivated the areas of my life that would enable to do it well. I see things around me every day where I know that I could make a difference but I have not been bold.

As I look back at my life I can see the walls I have built around myself. Walls that I thought would protect me from hurt and disappointment but instead they have isolated me and held me captive.

BUT I feel a change coming. I am no longer content with things the way they are. I am experiencing a new relationship with my Father God. I am seeing who He is through His Word. I have a new hunger for His Word and for His presence. I know that He is blowing the dust off of me and calling me higher. He is igniting new passions and relighting the fires of my dreams. I feel a change in the air. And what's more, I am seeing the walls come down, brick by brick. He is exposing the lies I have believed and showing me truth, His truth, who He says I am. He is redefining me through His identity. I am excited and expectant. I am experiencing a new freedom.

Guess what? I don't have to be liked by everyone. I am loved by Christ. I don't have to please men. I am loved by God. I am called to love Him and please Him and glorify Him, not men. I am to love my neighbor but I am not called to please them. It's ok if they don't agree with me. The only one I need to agree with is my Savior Jesus Christ. He is my example. And while He walked the earth, most folks didn't like Him, didn't agree with Him, and they certainly didn't understand most of what He said and did.  But He walked out His calling anyway. He loved. He walked in love, spoke with love, with compassion and loved even to the point of sacrifice but He did not seek to please.

The winds of change are blowing and I am excited. I am expectant at what God is doing in me and my family.  The time is now to step out and walk in what God is calling me to do, whatever that is each day and in each moment.

"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."

My new song of declaration!!! Bethel- No Longer Slaves

Random Stuff

Ok, so here is a random post because it's my blog and I can post what I want.

Top Ten Random Thoughts of Today

1. I really don't understand the attraction of the Super Bowl. Most people say they watch it for the commercials and half time show.....isn't that kind of insulting to the players that worked so hard to get into the big game? And most of the commercials these days are either lame, raunchy or a combination of both. So gonna skip that part. And while I'm sure whoever performed during the half time show did a wonderful job, I am just not interested. If you love the Super Bowl and football, and commercials and parties centered around those things.....that is great!! I am happy for you. I just don't get it.

2. You have 2 children and you dream of them playing together and enjoying each other's company, and they do......usually. But then there are those days when it's just not enough and there are meltdowns because there isn't ANYONE to play with. And then who are they looking to???? Yep, me. Like I really want to play a BMX video game??? I thought the whole point of video games was that you could play them alone....

3. Laundry.....that is all.

4. Being a grown up is tough at times. When you are young you envision countless hours of free time and not having to answer to anyone and getting to spend your money on anything you want..... then you wake up one morning and realize that you are spending precious free moments running to the store to buy toilet paper....bubble popped.

5. There is nothing like the presence of God. And nothing like experiencing the presence of God corporately. I love it!!! I love having the privilege of leading people into the presence of God. I am humbled and encouraged each time. Today the congregation was singing so loud that it overpowered our monitors. Was wonderful!!!!

6. Gods' Word is the best book ever!!! Each time I spend time reading and studying I see and learn something new. A new facet of my Fathers character, a new name for my Savior, a new promise that is available to me. Incredible!!!

7. Being married is the best and hardest thing. I love my man so much!!! I am so blessed!!! But there are days when we don't agree and we annoy each other and maybe we don't really understand what the other is trying to say. But it's worth it. It's worth the work, worth the long conversations to clear up misunderstanding, worth being vulnerable, worth admitting when your wrong, worth saying sorry first, worth getting on your face before God and confessing and asking forgiveness for getting it wrong. It's worth it because I choose to love, he chooses to love me. Our sons see us choosing to love in spite of differences, they see that we don't always have to agree to love, in fact our differences make us stronger.  Fifteen years in and I still love my man!!!! And I will choose to love him for the rest of my life.

8. These days it seems that every time a person expresses an opinion about their own life at least one person will get offended and feel the need to attack or express a counter opinion. Why?? What happened to people being able to express themselves without complete strangers getting defensive and reacting? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Why is it so important for everyone to agree with the opinion?? I feel that a person that is secure in their beliefs, opinions and decisions should not be threatened by someone else's opinion. Just my thoughts, but then again I'm sure someone will disagree....hahaha

9. I said the word opinion way too many times in #8

10. I saw a Japanese Magnolia tree blooming today and it made me happy. Yes, a pink flower on a tree can do that. They are beautiful and I love them.

Happy first week of February. Hope it's a good one!!!

Ponderings

I was reading some of my blog posts from 2007 tonight. Remembering what my life was like 7 years ago. I had two very small little boys, my parents were still married, my family all lived in the same 150 mile radius, I was teaching music weekly to about 100 lovely little people, and I was much younger.

Things have changed quite a bit since then. Now both of my parents have remarried and I have step parents and step siblings. My parents have both moved away. Like over 500 miles away. My sister and her family moved 1,000 miles away. My brothers family is packing up and moving to North Carolina. Our boys are 8 & 10 years old. Our family has moved to Kansas and back again. If I'm honest I must admit that in some ways I am a bit more jaded than I was 7 years ago, less naive, and more skeptical. But I have also matured, I have seen God work miracles and bring freedom and deliverance. I have experienced His grace, His mercy, His compassion and His love. I have witnessed our two boys grow in the Lord. I see the gifts that God has put in them and I am privileged to help cultivate them and to train them up in the ways of the Lord. My life has known such joy being their mom. I can't imagine my life without them. What incredible gifts they are to my hubby and I. I see so much of him in them. Our oldest has his smile and hands. Our youngest has his caring spirit and ability to truly "listen". They both inherited his love of music and are excellent musicians. They love playing and writing music together. And they do it well, if I may say so myself. And my hubby......what a blessing he is to me. He works so hard to take care of us. But it's the moments that he spends with our boys that make my heart sing. I love to watch them throw the football around and tackle each other while giggling. Or watch some weird guy movie together, knowing that I am going to hate it. The days are going by so fast. I want them to slow down so much!!! My oldest reminds me daily that he is almost as tall as I. And exactly how many years and months until he gets his driving permit. And he tells me that he wants to be a train engineer, and a chef, and a concert pianist, and a composer for movies when he grows up. Our youngest wants to farm, to drive tractors and spend his days in the dirt. I could be way wrong but his personality makes me think that he would be content to stay in this area his entire life and do what his daddy does. But our oldest is the dreamer, the one that I feel we will launch into this big world and watch him fly. Then again, it's a long way off.....anything could happen.

Feeling thankful tonight for the many blessings in my life and for the road that the Lord has walked with me these last years. They have been different than I imagined but God is faithful and He does work everything for our good if we allow Him. I am walking in a new freedom and for that I am so grateful.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability.........such a loaded word. Without it, there cannot be intimacy, openness and closeness. But I find it hard to allow myself to be vulnerable until those things are already in place. So it's a catch 22. And I'm not just talking about in marriage. It's a given that vulnerability allows a depth of relationship with your  husband. But it's true in other areas too.

Sometimes I ache with a desire to have a really close friend, especially one that is close in proximity. But I find it hard to put myself out there. I don't want to be a bother or a burden.

Unfortunately habits are formed when we are young that are difficult to break when we grow up.  I grew up moving around the country. About the time we would get settled, it was time to move again. As I look back on my life I remember a few friends that made an impression, a lasting difference in my life. But there are also a lot more that were merely friendships of convenience. And I'm sure they would remember me the same way.

I find in this day of technology and social networking that I am even less likely to attempt connection. Everyone is so busy, their lives look or appear so full. I desire a face to face friend. One that can sit in my living room and talk to me. One that truly knows me. Not just my Sunday morning self. Or my homeschool co-op self. But knows me......the real me. To know that I love reading, and putting together puzzles, and using power tools, and playing music with my boys, and eating, but not really cooking.

So, this year I am going to put myself out there and be the friend that I would like to have. And pray that the Lord will bring people across my path that I can be a friend to, to encourage, to love on.

Way Too Long

Well, it's a new year and it occurred to me that I have not blogged in almost a year and a half. I did not write one blog at all in 2014. And it wasn't for lack of material.

I guess you could say this past year has been a year of transition for me. Not necessarily in the things you would notice every day but more subtle and internal. I have gained friends and had friends move away and move on. I have come to the realization that sometimes the only way to live a full life is to let go of the life you thought you would have. And sometimes you have to do it every day.

This past year brought me to 35 years old and I have to say that I am finding a new freedom in growing older. The opinions and expectations of others just don't carry the same weight as they did before. I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and trying to take the time to find out what exactly I like to do and what is my passion. Most folks figure that out during college but, as a life long people pleaser, I am a late bloomer.

Our homeschool journey continues and while some days I want to run away away and hide, we are still enjoying it and learning each day. I am being tested and stretched and having to learn a new way of doing things but it's worth it.

Not sure if this blog will remain public for much longer. I realized that I stopped writing at a time in my life when I was uncomfortable writing from my heart because I was not wanting just anybody to be able to read it. So I'm praying about what to do.