Change of Perspective

I was sitting in church this morning and had a moment that felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me and was hit between the eyes at the same time.

But before I tell you about that I guess I need to give some background info so it will all make sense.

I have been dealing with drama in the family arena for several years now. My dad went off the deep end and left and apparently it has affected me more than I want to admit. I am 32 years old. I don't need my dad to provide for me financially or to take care of me like I needed when I was a child. But guess what? I have needed him to be there for me and he isn't. That stinks!! I don't like feeling like this. He has been wishy washy and here one minute and gone the next. He has made promises only to break them. I have let my guard down in hopes that "this time" it would be different only to have my heart trampled yet again. I have held my sweet boys in my arms while they cry and ask where Papa has gone and why doesn't he want to see them? So, to put it simply.....I am hurting. I know that somewhere in the messed up life of his that he loves me. I want to believe that. But his actions show different. His priorities reveal what he holds important. I miss him so much that at times I feel like I can't even breathe. I want to call him and talk to him like we used to, but it isn't the same. He isn't the same. And I am a different person as well. I want to yell at him and hit him, yet I need a hug so badly that if I saw him I might not let go. I am so conflicted and confused. I know that the Lord says to forgive. So I have done that. But it is the walking it all out that is just so hard. I need him but I don't want to need him, if that makes any sense. To love him and to reach out means to put myself at risk of rejection again and I know that it would be coming. I am hurting........just like soooooo many others out there. Maybe it isn't a dad that walked away, but a husband or a wife or a child or a best friend or you were hurt by a pastor or teacher, sister, brother. We all have that person that left us feeling like we were less than and we wonder if there is anything that we could have done differently to have avoided the rejection and hurt. If you say that you haven't experienced it then you are either truly blessed or in complete denial. But we feel it, someone said they don't love us or they say they love us and prove different by their words, actions, priorities. How does it make you feel???

So I was sitting in service this morning and the pastor asked that question. How does it feel? Immediately my heart and mind went down that road and I couldn't contain my raw emotions that I try to hide away. I was wallowing in the hurt and pain that was inflicted upon me.....when I was snapped out it by this next question......how do you think God feels when we say we love Him but act like we don't? When we don't give Him the time He deserves? When we allow other things to take His place as our first love? I was hit in the middle of the forehead with the realization that I was making my Savior Jesus Christ feel the same way I despised and resented.  I have been telling Him that I love Him but walking in a way that would prove opposite. If I am honest, I love sleeping in more than I love spending time with Him alone. I love watching TV more than Bible study. I love irresponsibility more than preparing to reach a lost and dying world. I love myself and what is going on with me more than what He values and thinks is important. I love music more than worship. I love books more than the Word of God. How dejected I must be making my Savior feel. It broke and still breaks my heart to think that I have inflicted then same kind of hurt that I have been dealing with on anyone else, much less the One that gave everything for me. He gave His life, His life blood, His Son, He has given me everything I need to love Him back. And that is what He covets and desires above all things. To be loved by His children. I am His daughter and unfortunatley I have been acting like I have no appreciation for that fact whatsoever. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and I want Him to feel my love. I need to learn to love. And only time with Him will reveal exactly what that looks and feels like. He wants to be my daddy and to show me what a daddys love feels like. So instead of focusing on what I have lost in my earthly fathers love, I am going to sit at the feet of my Heavenly Father and get to know Him.