A Jumble of Thoughts

I feel like my brain is overloaded and can't really think straight.

I have entire aspects of my life that I have realized I have just closed the closet door on to revisit later.

I can only deal with so much at one time.

Will I be moving away from the home I have lived in for 10 years? Yes possibly.

Am I freaking out a bit by it? Yes, I am.

Am I excited about the future and what lies ahead? Absolutley!

Am I torn between what I know is God's will and how it will affect those around me? Yep.

Do I feel a peace in the midst of this chaos? I sure do.
Can I explain it? Not really..... I can just feel the arms of the Lord around me whispering that He sees the big picture and to lean into Him.

Please pray for this recovering control freak during this time. God is continuing to show Himself faithful and providing for us. But bottom line is that my hubby needs a job. We are praying about where the Lord wants us.

I went to a funeral on Saturday and heard something that has sunk deep into my spirit. The man died of brain cancer and went through sooooo much pain and dissapointment but those that knew him said over and over again that his only prayer during that time was " Please let the Lord be seen in my life". What a testimony! That is my prayer today. Whatever we face and wherever you send us, Lord I pray that you are seen in our lives. Use us for your glory! We love you Lord! Amen!

A Letter to my Younger Self

The past few weeks have gotten me to thinking about some things I wish I had known earlier in my life, reflecting on decisions I have made and reassessing some mindsets and beliefs. So I thought I would write a letter to my younger self to explain it all. This is really just an exercise for myself, but feel free to read if you like or even write your own.

Dear You,

You think you know everything and have it all figured out. I can tell you that the longer you hold onto that assumption, the harder things will be. Here are some nuggets of wisdom from your slightly older, somewhat wiser, less arrogant self.

1. Don't spend so much time worrying over things you have absolutley NO control over. It will rob you of joy, time and a passion for life.

2. People will always have opinions, no matter what you do. You cannot please them all. You can spend your entire life people pleasing and still end up abused, rejected and cast aside. Focus on what God says about you. He is all that matters. In Him alone, will you find your true identity.

3. Use your time wisely, you only have so much. Be purposeful with your days. Don't let them slip by without making an impact on at least one thing or person, even if that one thing is yourself.

4. Don't agree to do something unless you fully intend on following it through. Refer to number 2. Many stresses can be avoided if you just think it through before saying "yes" or "no". Your word is very important! Do not break your word if you can avoid it, even if it inconveniences you. God did not make you to be a "flake".

5. Time alone with God is sooooo important!!! If you don't get this right, then everything else is going to be sooooo much harder.

6. Laugh more! Lighten up! Be silly! Dance! Sing! Run hard!

7. Don't wear masks. Not with your husband, your children, your family, your friends or your church. They only bring destruction to you. Trust enough in the Lord and the people around you to be yourself. Even if they don't understand you, they will have a greater appreciation for your authenticity than your "I am acting like I have it all together when I am crumbling inside" mask. A hint......the mask doesn't fool anyone anyway.

8. Don't drink so much caffeine or eat so much chocolate....you know it makes you edgy and irritable. Your family will thank you many times over for this.

9. Always be learning! Learn a new skill, master it. Don't just start and then cast it aside when it is no longer fun. Commit to something and see it through to completion.

10. Don't be prideful but don't hide your talents and gifts. Use them with a passion. God gave them to you for a purpose. Enjoy them!!

11. Be a friend. A good friend. Listen more than you speak. Be plugged in and interested. Be vulnerable and open allowing friendship to grow and bloom into something beautiful. Be the friend you always wanted.

12. Not everyone will be a lifelong friend. That is okay. Stop trying to force something. Be kind and available but don't stress if it ends. Some relationships are for seasons and others are for a lifetime. Learn to recognize the difference.

13. Love with everything in you! Receive the love God has for you so you can then love others. You can't give what you don't have. It is a wonderful thing to be loved on by your Heavenly Father. Enjoy it! Don't hide from Him, He is not a man that He should dissapoint and crush your heart. HE IS LOVE! Feel that!

14. Your husband is your best friend! Encourage him, lift him up, love him, RESPECT him, be available to him. Make your home a haven for your family. Be thankful that he has a drive to work and takes his position as the head of your home seriously. Pray for him so that he will become everything God created him to be. You see the potential. Encourage him to grow. Do not nag. It is counterproductive. Believe me, it does not work. Communicate with him. Don't talk negatively about him to others. Rather be a grown up and discuss issues with him face to face. Don't turn to others for validation and acceptance if you have not gone to your husband first. Do not say anything about him to others that you would not say if he were standing right beside you. Let him hear you build him up to others. He wants to be your hero. Let him.

15. Your children are always watching you.....and I mean always. Be a Godly example to them. Pray with them. Read Gods Word with them. Talk respectfully. Teach discipline, model kindness, compassion, love, joy, peace, patience. You are their greatest teacher. Never forget that. Pray for them continually. God has a purpose for their lives. And yours right now is praying for them and teaching them and preparing them for what lies ahead.

16. Turn a deaf ear to anyone that would make you feel like a "second rate" citizen because you are a stay at home mom. You are doing what the Lord has asked of you and His opinion is all that matters. You are doing a good job and He is pleased with you. Obedience to the Lord is so much important than the opinions of the world. They are looking through their own perspecives and life experiences. They may not understand your decision but you need not be defensive or feel like you have to explain yourself at all. Just rest in the assurance that you are being obedient.

17. Same thing goes for homeschooling. I know right now you cannot even imagine doing such a thing. But never say never. Just be pliable and willing to grow in the directions God says. You love to learn and love school. Maintain that passion and zeal. Allow your children to be different than you. Ask God to show you how to draw out their strengths. Be patient with their weaknesses. Always love! Be disciplined but flexible. Have fun! Plan ahead so you are prepared but be willing to roll with the punches.

18. You will be much more hospitable if you are diligent about keeping your home clean and tidy. You think you need all that "stuff" sitting around gathering dust but time will change your mind. Teach your children to take care of their home by modeling it for them. You want your family to love where they live and feel free to invite guests over without embarressment. Yes, it really is that big of a deal. It isn't that hard. just do it. Be a grown up already!

19. You will not like this one and I am not even a fan of it at this point in my life either. Excercise!!! You feel better, you are more disciplined in all areas when this is in place. Plus it is taking care of your body. You want to be around for your family for a long time?? Then you have to do this. They deserve your best. You can't neglect this area. Keep trying new things until you find something you love to do. And until then, keep doing something to be healthy. Do you not discern and understand that you are God's temple (His sanctuary), and that the God's Spirit has His permanent dwelling in you, collectively as a church and also individually? I Corinthians 3:16

20. Lastly for today, be yourself. Don't hide who God created you to be. Always be growing and maturing but feel free to be you. There will be areas of your life that God may overhaul and that is alright. Go with it. Surrender. He knows how He created you. He is not surprised by your quirks. He actually smiles when He thinks of you. Have faith that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Believe that He has good things in store for you. He does. Do not give up. Keep pressing on. Love the Lord with all your heart, mind and spirit and recieve His love for you! Everyday be thankful and grateful and walk through each day aware of the blessings in your life. Focus on the positive! Cast fear aside and walk in the strength of the Lord. If God be for us, who can be against us?

Love, ME

Patience? Really?

Hubby and I just got back from a whilrlwind trip to a job interview 1,300 miles away. I will not bore you with details but I saw nasty weather that freaked me out, and felt cold that made me go numb. Can you say -20 degrees with a wind chill waaayyy lower? Yikes! It is safe to say that we will NOT be moving to Kansas right now. The job was a no-go. God closed the door and I am somewhat relieved. Don't get me wrong, I want my hubby to find a job and be successful but we didn't have peace about that one. God has something else up His sleeve apparently. We are continuing to pray, seek and listen for His leading. A HUGE bonus from all of this is that I have gotten to spend time with my hubby and we got a mini-vacation out of it. So nice to spend time with each other without the kiddos. Soooo hard to leave them at first but it ended up being a blessing.

So I am trying to get back into a routine around here. Hasn't been as easy as I would like. I think I was already packing and preparing to move and now I am having to shift my focus a bit. And patience is being exercised daily. I has to be because it does not come naturally to me at all.

The boys are doing great! The homeschooling has been awesome. We have days that are challenging and even frustrating but the beauty of it is that we can tweak our plans or completely throw them out the window and try somthing else. Yesterday I woke up in a funk and my oldest asked me why I was so upset. Knowing that he did not deserve to have me and my negativity in his face that early, we went to the park and library and postponed school until the afternoon. It was a wonderful day!!!! He was actually more focused and intent to his studies as well. So I think we may mix it up more often. We have also done his schoolwork on the screen porch a good bit this week since it has been phenomenal weather. So thankful for that.

This weather makes me want to go outside as soon as I get up and not come inside until we need to go to bed. I might try that tomorrow.

Ooooo, that smell......

My nose is being offended greatly by the kitchen trash can right now. I think it might actually be affecting my brain functions. I could get up and take it out but it is raining outside and I am in my PJ's, so.....yeah I'm not gonna do that.

A few months ago we "temporarily" set up our computer in the living room on top of a vintage sewing machine in front of a bookcase. It was only supposed to sit there until we tested everything and found it a new home elsewhere in the house AWAY from the trash can. But I haven't done that yet. I will add it to my ever growing "to-do list".

Hubby & I have a very promising lead on a job. It would require relocating 1,000 miles away and leaving our home here. I am processing that right now. Every day brings a new emotion and flood of thoughts. On one hand I am so excited and looking to the future of what God has in store. On the other hand I am feeling nervous and sad at the thought of leaving here. Plus moving would present a really long list of "to-do's". So I am pushing through and just seeking the Lord for His strength, wisdom and joy.

On a completely unrelated topic. Has anyone else seen the show "Wipeout"? I love that show. And I would love to be on it. An absurd obstacle course for adults? Sign me up!!! Anyone want to join me?

"You talking to me?"

I don't know why but that movie quote just flashed through my mind. The past few days I have noticed a gorgeous cardinal bird perched on my car. The boys and I have been watching the bird for many weeks since it lives in the trees behind their rooms. But Saturday it got an attitude and shifted its focus from worms and nuts and bugs to himself. He has been flittering between the side window and the brush guard of hubbys truck. From these two vantage points he can see himself in a mirror or the chrome bumper. I am pretty sure that he doesn't know that he is looking at his reflection. But it has been hilarious to watch this beautiful bird try to beat up his opponent. He perches, taunts and then attacks his reflection. Occassionally he flies up and looks behind the mirror but then goes right back to the insanity of trying to eradicate something that cannot be beat. I have been amused and also felt a little sad for the bird. That is until I was walking past and he proceeded to do a fly by a little tooo close to my eyes. I would like to keep those, thank you very much.

But the bird got me thinking about how often we spend our time and energy fighting the person we see in the mirror. Sometimes when we notice circumstances in our lives we just start blindly throwing punches without realizing that it may have been our own choices that put us in that situation. We want someone to blame, a quick fix and the satisfaction of knowing that we are innocent and that we are just truly victims of other peoples choices and randomness. Sometimes that is true but sometimes it is not.

The Word of God says in James 1:23-27

For if anyone only listens to the Word without obeying it and being a doer of it, he is like a man who looks carefully at his [own] natural face in a mirror; For he thoughtfully observes himself, and then goes off and promptly forgets what he was like. But he who looks carefully into the faultless law, the [law] of liberty, and is faithful to it and perseveres in looking into it, being not a heedless listener who forgets but an active doer [who obeys], he shall be blessed in his doing (his life of obedience). If anyone thinks himself to be religious (piously observant of the external duties of his faith) and does not bridle his tongue but deludes his own heart, this person's religious service is worthless (futile, barren). External religious worship [religion as it is expressed in outward acts] that is pure and unblemished in the sight of GOd the Father is this: to visit and help and care for the orphans and widows in their affliction and need, and to keep oneself unspotted and uncontaminated from the world. (Amplified)

So often we fight the man in the mirror because we do not recognize him. Why don't we recognize him? Is it possible that who we think we are and who the Lord knows we are might look different? Perhaps I am looking at my reflection through my eyes of piety and pride, measuring myself on a religious yardstick. I see what I do and who I want to be. God sees me as I am, warts and all, He loves me unconditionally and He sees the woman He created me to be. How do I become the person God sees? Obedience. When I am obedient and seek God above all else, my perspective will begin to shift and He will open my eyes to see things differently. I will begin to see the areas of my life that have not been surrendered. I will learn to trust, I will learn to lean, I will learn to let go. I will begin to love the Lord in a new and wonderful way. I will begin to walk in love with others. And I will begin to see a new reflection in the mirror. And I will not forget what that woman looks like. I will stop fighting the woman in the mirror because I will not be deceived and blinded by pride, fear, doubt and pain. God sent His Son, Jesus to Christ to bring freedom, not to enslave. My obedience should flow from love for my Father, not out of a religous obligation or spiritual checklist.

I am tired of fighting a fight that I cannot win against an opponent that I cannot see. I am ready to trust and lean into the One who already fought the fight and won. And because of Him, I can walk in victory. I think it is time to change my anthem and song. How often have I looked foolish like that silly cardinal fighting myself when I could be the beautiful creation He created and fly high, leading others to the Lord I know and the freedom He brings?

So thrilled that the Lord takes ordinary, daily events to teach me a lesson. He loves you that much too. Just don't ignore them.