The Poison of Insecurity

The last couple of months I have been struggling with some different things. Mostly I have been struggling in how to respond to the waves of human chaos that swirl about us all.  In one moment it seems I respond one way and in the next I am rocked by a wave and I find myself responding in a different manner. And through it all I have been praying and seeking to be able to know what is the "right" way.

As a Christian I want to make sure that my responses and reactions glorify God but what does that mean exactly? Does it mean to just stay quiet? Does it mean to speak up? Lay out an ultimatum? I have been confused. And it would be a HUGE understatement to say that it has affected my worship, in my alone time and in corporate worship with the body of believers at church.

There is one word that keeps coming to the front of my thoughts.....INSECURITY. At first I brushed it off and ignored it but it just won't go away. So today I am going to jot down what I feel that word has to do with why I am struggling.

I have learned that insecurity is a two-edged sword. We all think that it just keeps us from stepping out and trying new things. But I have found that it also has a tendency to make others super control freaks. There are some that are so insecure in themselves that they shrink from change, they want to stay comfortable and not try new things. The reasons and excuses for this behavior are as many as there are people but it all boils down the fact that we don't think we can do it. We think someone else will do it better. We don't believe in ourselves so we don't step out. And this affects how we interact with the people around us. We may not stand up for what we believe is right, we might not volunteer to serve, we don't step out to learn something new, instead we settle. We settle and then despise ourselves everyday because we aren't brave. We look in the mirror and wish we were different, that we were braver and could step out.

Then there are some of us that are insecure and the way it manifests in our lives is with an overpowering controlling attitude. We want to do everything ourselves. Not all control freaks are this way because of insecurity...some are arrogant and prideful.....and others are just trying to keep their heads above water. But today I want to talk about those that are controlling because they are insecure. It all boils down to the fact that they are afraid of failure and are afraid someone else might be able to do something better than them. They are insecure about their abilities and gifts and instead of delegating tasks and working cooperatively with those around them, they instead insist on doing everything themselves. They overwork themselves and are resentful that they have to do it all, but they just can't let others help them because someone might outshine them. Their insecurity keeps them isolated from community and fellowhip with others.

How sad. God created us all unique and with many different giftings. No where in the Word of God does He say that one gift is better than another. We are to encourage each other in the gifts God placed in us. We are not to compare. We are to work together to accomplish the work of the Gospel. One man or woman cannot do it alone, even if they think they can. It is just impossible. We need Christ and we need each other.  We might wish we had a particular gift but instead we should look at what God wants us to do because that is when we will be most effective for the Kingdom of God. Don't try to be someone you are not. And don't blindly step into something just because someone else wants you to do it. No one else knows you like the One who made you. Ask Him what you are to be doing. Even if it makes someone else upset. We are to please God first. And it is only in doing that we will be fulfilled and walking in joy and peace.

Know who you are in Christ. Seek Him. Find out what He says about you. Don't let insecurity keep you in bondage and in limbo. God is teaching me that when I know who I am in Him, the world that swirls around me will not rock me. I will be able to stand firm and respond in a way that gives God the glory. And I will be able to relate to others around me, especially others in the Body of Christ in a much healthier more fulfilling way. Insecurity is just another word for FEAR. And God says that we don't have to fear. He has already won the victory. He goes before us and prepares the way. He will walk with us and lead us through. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM! (2 Cor. 3:17)

Let's stand up and walk in the liberty of Christ!!!

A Cracked Resolve

Today I am missing my dad. I miss talking to him. I miss giving him a hug. I miss hearing him laugh (seems like forever since I have heard that). And as I was putting a load of laundry in the washer I was thinking about how much I miss him. And mourning that he is not near. And then I was stuck with the absurdity of my train of thought. My dad is still alive & breathing and living less than 600 miles away. All it would take to see him would be a phone call or even a text. I know that he would come. Would he come with all the strings attatched that I laid out? Obviously not, since I have not seen him in over a year and a half. But what is more important? Having a relationship on my terms? Or have a relationship....PERIOD.  I know that my hubby must want to shake his head at me and my selfishness. His dad died 20 years ago and he will never have the opportunity to sit and have a conversation with him again. He won't get to go fishing. Or show him the sweet sons we have been blessed with. My hubby has been so supportive of me during the past 6 years and has stood by my side in every decision and disappointment but today I feel like I am seeing for the first time what a sacrifice it must have been for him. I know that he loves my dad too. I know that he misses him. So I haven't just allowed the broken relationship with my dad to affect me, but those I love most.

I heard recently that forgiveness is giving up hope of a different past. It is something that I have been meditating on daily. Would I like for all my expectations to be met? Would I like things to go the way I want them? Of course! I am human with a flesh heart that wants what I want. But that thinking can keep me out of relationship with my dad and it would be own choice. As much as I would like to blame him and his new wife, I know that we are equally to blame. So what to do?

I know what God would have me do. But it doesn't make my flesh happy. And in some weird way it almost seems like to soften my heart and to open it up again would be conceding defeat. Like I have been playing chicken with my dad, waiting for him to capitulate first and to do what would make me the most comfortable..... but that isn't reality and it isn't the way to approach life or any problems that arise. I also have felt that because I have been so vocal about my stance and my opinions regarding everything that if I change my mind and reach out that I will need to explain myself to those that know me best. I am sure that they will not understand, they might want to discourage me, they want to protect me. And my pride wants to stay resolved so I don't have to have an uncomfortable conversation. Seems so ridiculous as I am typing this. But that is the truth of the matter and where my heart & head have been.  But God would have me respond differently....to reach out, even knowing that I might be rejected. To love, even if it isn't reciprocated. To be kind, even if my feelings get hurt. To forgive, even if the "magic words" I have been waiting on never come. Why? Because Christ did all of that for me. He loved me, even when I have not loved Him back. He reaches out to me constantly, even when I reject Him. He shows me kindness, grace, mercy and compassion even when my selfishness and arrogance continually hurt His heart. And He forgave me just because I asked. He died to forgive me, even knowing that I might never ask. He did it in anticipation of a relationship with me. He laid it all out on the line. He didn't make me jump through hoops or expect me to have it all together before He loved me. No, He loves me because He wants to. He created me so He could love me and so that I might love Him in return. And it is only because He loves me that I am even capable of loving Him and anyone else. I heard the other day that "being faithful to God & being comfortable rarely go hand in hand". How true!! To do what God asks of me will require that I sacrifice my fleshly wants, desires & plans in order to have something better.

So where I am today is at a crossroads of sorts. Do I continue on the road I have been walking, with new revelation and choose to be disobedient and out of the will of God? Or do I take a step of faith and walk in obedience and trust that God will walk beside holding my hand, guiding me and keeping watch over my heart? I know the cost of doing nothing.....it is a lifetime of wasted time with my dad. And I am just not willing to do that anymore. So I guess it is time to CHOOSE something different. It is a choice, every day and in every moment. There is a lot of work still to be done but I feel in my heart that it will be worth it. And the benefit? A restored relationship with my dad, our sons would get to have their grandpa back, my hubby would get to be in relationship with my dad again too.

So much to think about, pray about and to walk out. Asking for prayers today as I prepare to step out onto a new road.

Living Unplugged

I decided a couple weeks ago to unplug from Facebook. The decision was affected by many factors but the main one was the wasted time. It seemed that I never had enough hours in my day to finish the laundry, or to clean the bathrooms, or to spend time with the boys going over a concept that has given them issues, to cook a decent meal or to spend time with my Heavenly Father. I am a stay at home mom that also homeschools. Right now our schedule also includes almost daily trips to baseball/tball practices & games. But who am I kidding? I have plenty of time to get what needs to be done, DONE. Because I had plenty of time to cruise through Facebook news feeds, to pin recipes I would never actually cook, to fill my mind with facts about people that I don't really know. I mean, if I wouldn't bother calling them & inviting them over for dinner then I don't really need to know what they ate last night for dessert or that their kids are driving them crazy. All the stuff I was filling my mind & time with was robbing me of time with MY family and I was choosing to do it every day, almost every hour.  So I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I was amazed at how many people seemed annoyed at my decision and how it would affect them.....Really??? I should plan my life around what makes others happy???? No, I don't think so. Because I am pretty sure that those opinionated folks will not be volunteering to load my dishwasher, fold the laundry, teach my kiddos mulitiplication or run to the grocery store so my sweet family can eat. So I deactivated and was feeling so relieved. Then a couple days later I noticed that I was feeling anxious about all the STUFF I didn't know about......Could I really be experiencing FB withdrawals??? Yep, I think I was. But I kept pressing on......avoiding the computer and did a load of laundry instead. Avoiding the computer and spending more time teaching. Avoiding the computer and being more present with my family. I still have a long way to go but the rewards are paying off so far. I am motivated to continue. So Sunday, the Lord & I were talking and I felt like I was supposed to unplug from my TV too. What!? No Downton Abbey? No Grey's Anatomy? No whatever junk I turned on just to have some noise in the evenings??? How would I manage? But I am going to try. Because I know that TV is another time stealer for me. Especially now that we have Netflix and I can watch an entire season of a show in a week. It has been keeping me up toooo late and making me unproductive in the mornings. So for the next few weeks I will not be watching TV unless my hubby asks me to watch something with him. I am going to try to spend more time reading, sleeping and being productive with my day. But most importantly I am going to spend more time with God and His Word. Because lets face it, all the rest of that stuff we waste time on is just a distraction from time with Him.  Obviously I am still online and I will continue to blog and talk on my phone and text. But I am praying that unplugging some of my life will allow me to REALLY LIVE my life, instead of just existing and living vicariously through the FB posts of other people and TV characters.

Needing to Reflect On This Today

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next. 

Amen.

 

serenity (plural serenities)

1. The state of being serene; calmness; peacefulness.
2. A lack of agitation or disturbance.
3. A title given to a reigning prince or similar dignitary.

Feeling an angst inside that I can't quite put a finger on. Knowing that the only thing that will help is the Presence and peace of God. Praying for wisdom, clarity and strength today. When I look around me I see so many blessings and I know that the way I feel is not of the Lord. On a day that it would be easy to just pull the covers back up over my head, I am choosing instead to walk forward and seek the One with the answers. Praying today for all the mommas, wives, grandmas, sisters, daughters that are having a difficult day too.