Empty Nest

 My youngest will fly from the nest this week. Seems too soon to me but he is ready. I'm not sure he is truly ready for reality, but he is ready for his illusion of reality. I will miss him so much!  Time to redefine my purpose in the lives of both of my sons. Time to redefine my purpose......period. 

What becomes of a mom when she is no longer needed 24/7? 

Goals

 I am not great at follow through on goals. I am a wonderful researcher, planner, organizer, list maker and starter. I have so much determination and motivation for approximately 36 hours.  I have collected a wide array of hobbies and the needed supplies. I have donated more unopened materials to Salvation Army than I would care to admit. I own various exercise equipment, workout dvds, and sports bras. But I don't workout. I am not sure what all of these behaviors say about me. I have the best of intentions but still do not follow through. 

 But I know that I am a wonderful mom, a faithful wife and friend. I have displayed so much perseverance and determination in these areas.  I have dug in my heels and refused to give up, I have pushed through to do the hard things. I have done the work to still be on this side of death, I am still married, I am still here. I have plowed through impossible odds, I have crushed my pride to seek help, and I have put one foot in front of the other each day. 

 So, what does this say about me? I'm not really sure. But I have reached the point in my life that I no longer really care. Life is what it is. I am who I am. And I like her. Even if I never finish those things that are just not that important. Because I have learned what is. And today that is enough. 

Long Time, No See

 Whoa, I came across this blog again after a friend of mine asked if the page was still active. I had no idea. So, I looked it up and here we are. It has been a lifetime since I shared life online. I am only doing so now to have a place to put my thoughts together. 

Life looks much different than 10 years ago. Our oldest son is married and living 4 hours away from us with his wife. Our youngest is working hard and still saving up his money and making plans. I am almost an empty nester. My husband has his own business, and I am working with him when I can. The past year has been a struggle of identity. Who am I if I'm not a stay at home, homeschool momma? It has been weird. Add perimenopause into the mix and I have been a hot mess. But I have learned so much. We started attending a new church last year and it has been so life giving. The people are real and genuine and that is what we have needed after the last decade. So much pain, so much hurt, so much disappointment, questioning God, being angry at Him and all the other people He created. Seeking peace in places that were not peaceful. Learning to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can. Let me tell you a secret......the only thing I can change is me. It has been a painful journey but I'm thankful to have made it so that I could walk in the freedom of Christ. He is enough. He is the only true, faithful, stable thing. He doesn't change. He doesn't ask anything of me except to give Him everything. He will take care of the rest. As a recovering control freak, I am thankful.

I am not sure how often I will post. Don't really care if anyone else ever sees this. This is for me. 

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How did I get here??

I woke up today and realized that I have an "almost teenager",  my baby will soon be in double digits, I've been married 16 years, and I have a dog. Seems like life has sped by so quickly. The marriage and kid thing was expected but I seriously can't believe I'm a dog owner. Like, rearrange our entire lives and relinquish areas that were once precious to us to an animal, dog owner. Who am I?

It's funny how things constantly change yet remain the same all at the same time.

I've seen such growth and progress but then feel like I'm circling that same mountain for the 1,000th time.

I'm realizing that our firstborn is a bit of an enigma. He is a great deal like me but yet so different. His brain is always on, always listening (imagine August Rush), always thinking, always listening more, always deconstructing and reassembling, always hesitant to express himself verbally for fear of saying the wrong thing, but able to pour out his heart in a song like you can't believe. He is almost as tall as me, yet still my sweet little boy who yearns to be a man. Well, sometimes he wants to be a man. Other times he wants to shirk responsibility and sleep all day and be stinky like a boy. Guess I'm gonna have to look for those moments of wanting to grow up and seize the opportunity while he is still wants to sit and chat. That's another thing. He was always the chatterbox. From sun up to sun down he talked incessantly. For the first decade, my ears didn't get a rest. Then he turned 11. And he just stopped talking. I'm not used to it yet. Not sure how to handle this stage. Do I push, try to draw out or just let him be and come to me if he has something to say? I've never been an 11 year old boy so I'm out of my depth.

Then there is our youngest. Always alert, always seeing and noticing and stepping in to help. He sees people, and notices their eyes, mannerisms and tone. He is so compassionate and caring and will drop  a hat in a second to pray. He is also our frugal guy. He always has money and is thrifty about how he spends it. He can play the drums like a man three times his age and loves tractors and being outside. He still chats a lot. I love it!! He loves sandwiches and would eat them every day if I would let him. He is a wonderful compliment to his brother. The are the best of friends. My favorite thing is to hear them laugh and giggle together, unless it's bedtime. Then I'm not as amused. 😉
But they both love the Lord and want to please Him. I'm praying that they will follow that path for the rest of their lives.

Another school year is upon us and I now have a middle schooler. Yikes!! I'm going to have to step up my game.

So thankful that the Lord will equip me for the journey ahead. I'm going to need His help.

So, some things are the same, some are different. And that is exactly how it should be.

The Next Steps

I am a person that starts well, begins to feel like a failure at the first hiccup, talks negatively to myself until I give up and then feel defeated because I threw in the towel. I am discovering that there is a pattern, a deeply ingrained pattern that is slowly and subtley destroying me. I am tired of this cycle and have tried on numerous occasions to change, only to fail yet again. But I am beginning to realize that in some demented way, as much as I despise the failure, I am comfortable with it. I have spent so much time in that mindset that it has become my comfort zone. So apparently I am more terrified of finishing well, accomplishing something great (or even small). I get overwhelmed quickly and begin to freak out when I envision the many steps between me and my goal. It seems impossible, so instead of pushing through, I give up.  A behavior so ingrained that is has taken me 35 years to even see it. Crazy, huh? But something has happened to wake me up and shake some things in me. I have been a people pleaser my whole life but God is setting me free, free of the expectations of man, free of opinions of others and free of who I have thought I "should" be. It's a process but God is patient and is doing a new thing in me. But I am ready to move into His fullness in other areas too. I want to finish well. I want to walk in His peace, joy, love, compassion, health and purpose. So what He has been telling me is to focus on the "next" step, not the entire journey, but just the next step. To seek to glorify Him and to walk in obedience and to trust that He will carry the burden of everything else. I was not meant to shoulder everything, I don't have to carry the weight of all possible decisions or potential outcomes. I am simply to rest in Him, and to do the first thing, and then once that is finished, to do the next thing. Seems simple but I am praying for His peace, strength and joy as I attempt to learn a new way of doing things. The old way wasn't working so it's time to do it His way.

Musings

I am currently on a journey. A journey that is long overdue. An uncomfortable journey. An exciting journey. Terrifying, yet peaceful. 

I am on a journey to surrender. Surrendering to my Savior. I am learning to trust, to let go. I am not there yet, but I have taken the first step. And I am completely fine if no one ever reads this. But I need a place to put down my thoughts, a place where I can attempt to be honest and transparent with myself and God. I am an external processor. Yes, I am the lady at the grocery store who talks to herself. It helps me. Helps to talk it out, write I out, reread it a week later and see where I may have been wrong in my thinking. I want to chronicle this journey so I can see the progress made, remind myself of prayers answered, and publicly declare my love for Jesus. 

So if you don't want to take this ride, that's ok. Click over to the next blog. I won't be offended. I'm not writing it for you. But your welcome to come along if you like. 

Feelings

Feelings betray us. They set us up and then drop us on our faces. They are ever changing and not to be trusted. But oh how they are powerful. They scream to be heard and refuse to be ignored. They leave you feeling wrung out, disappointed and inadequate. Or perhaps the opposite, they make you feel important and on top of the world. But regardless of where you find yourself standing, they will soon change and take you on the emotional roller coaster yet again.

Today I am feeling like a failure, like I can't do anything right, like I am not making any real progress, that my life is somehow insignificant and that I am ruining the lives of those around me. I realize on an intellectual level that this is not truth, that these are simply reactionary feelings to current life circumstances, but they are still real thoughts and feelings. They are defeating thoughts, thoughts to keep me paralyzed and stuck instead of moving forward. 

Praying today to the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13), who formed me (Psalm 119:73), and has a plan and a purpose for me (Jeremiah 29:11).  A plan to mature me (Hebrews 6: 1-2), to use me (Isaiah 6:8),  to refine me (I Peter 1:7), to transform my mind (Romans 12:2), and give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I am who He says I am.

Speed Bump

Life happens. Disappointments come. Plans fall through. Things don't turn out as expected.

But God is still good. He is still sovereign. He is still loving. He still has a future and a hope for me. A future for my good and one that will bring Him glory.

I keep going. I won't quit. I will still trust and have faith.

Because He is worth it. And anything temporal and earthly is nothing compared to His glory.

Object Lesson

Areas in our lives that need overhauling sometimes go unnoticed, whether by denial or we are so entrenched in our behaviors that we don't recognize that they need changing.

This morning brought with it a wake up call of sorts. It wasn't a terrible morning, or anything earth shattering. Just a feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting to pass the buck and lay blame at the feet of others. In that moment of frustration, I felt the quiet nudging of the Holy Spirit say "this is the day you created,  not me." He did not create this day to be filled with chaos, clutter and exasperation, but I did by my choices, my attitude and the habits I walk out each day.

If my children are struggling with being undisciplined, it is because I have modeled that as a lifestyle before them. If my home and its chores are driving me crazy, it is because I have lived habits that enable it to get that way. If it's noon and we have not yet begun our schoolday, it is not the fault of my children. That responsibility lays squarely at my feet. I set the tone in my home. I can choose to be proactive and mature or continually play catch up and feel overwhelmed all the time. The choice is mine.

I am thankful this morning for a Heavenly Father that offers new mercies every morning, a new beginning to start again. He offers forgiveness for past sins and failures and He lifts me up and shows me a new way, a better way, His way.

I am going to extend mercy and grace to myself and my boys today but also seek the Lord and His wisdom to teach me His way. The way of maturity, wisdom, freedom and blessing.

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever may be your task, work at heartily as something done for the Lord and not for men. Knowing with all certainty that it is from the Lord and not from men that you will receive an inheritance which is your real reward. The One who you are actually serving is the Lord Christ.

An inheritance? What kind of inheritance am I leaving behind? Praying today that the Lord will walk me through and teach me how to leave a godly inheritance.

Thankful for His mercies, grace, compassion and love today and every day.

Wall Coming Down

There are times in our lives that we get a feeling that something is just around the corner. Perhaps it starts out as a feeling of anticipation or maybe nervousness. But regardless of how it begins it starts to grow. The only way I can really explain it is to liken it to pregnancy. It starts as an egg and then through time and nurturing the baby grows and matures and we give birth, not to an unformed thing but to a fully developed person.

I believe that sometimes God works the same way in our lives. He will plant the seed of a dream in our hearts. However, we can choose whether to nurture the seed or starve it. Our choice, all ours.

I know that there are many dreams in me, they have been there for a long time, but I have allowed so many distractions to starve them. I have longed to truly develop my giftings but fear has kept me paralyzed. I have longed for deep relationships but fear of rejection and the tendency to compare has left me lonely. I have dreamed of writing but poor time management has left me with no time.  I desire to write songs but I haven't cultivated the areas of my life that would enable to do it well. I see things around me every day where I know that I could make a difference but I have not been bold.

As I look back at my life I can see the walls I have built around myself. Walls that I thought would protect me from hurt and disappointment but instead they have isolated me and held me captive.

BUT I feel a change coming. I am no longer content with things the way they are. I am experiencing a new relationship with my Father God. I am seeing who He is through His Word. I have a new hunger for His Word and for His presence. I know that He is blowing the dust off of me and calling me higher. He is igniting new passions and relighting the fires of my dreams. I feel a change in the air. And what's more, I am seeing the walls come down, brick by brick. He is exposing the lies I have believed and showing me truth, His truth, who He says I am. He is redefining me through His identity. I am excited and expectant. I am experiencing a new freedom.

Guess what? I don't have to be liked by everyone. I am loved by Christ. I don't have to please men. I am loved by God. I am called to love Him and please Him and glorify Him, not men. I am to love my neighbor but I am not called to please them. It's ok if they don't agree with me. The only one I need to agree with is my Savior Jesus Christ. He is my example. And while He walked the earth, most folks didn't like Him, didn't agree with Him, and they certainly didn't understand most of what He said and did.  But He walked out His calling anyway. He loved. He walked in love, spoke with love, with compassion and loved even to the point of sacrifice but He did not seek to please.

The winds of change are blowing and I am excited. I am expectant at what God is doing in me and my family.  The time is now to step out and walk in what God is calling me to do, whatever that is each day and in each moment.

"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."

My new song of declaration!!! Bethel- No Longer Slaves

Random Stuff

Ok, so here is a random post because it's my blog and I can post what I want.

Top Ten Random Thoughts of Today

1. I really don't understand the attraction of the Super Bowl. Most people say they watch it for the commercials and half time show.....isn't that kind of insulting to the players that worked so hard to get into the big game? And most of the commercials these days are either lame, raunchy or a combination of both. So gonna skip that part. And while I'm sure whoever performed during the half time show did a wonderful job, I am just not interested. If you love the Super Bowl and football, and commercials and parties centered around those things.....that is great!! I am happy for you. I just don't get it.

2. You have 2 children and you dream of them playing together and enjoying each other's company, and they do......usually. But then there are those days when it's just not enough and there are meltdowns because there isn't ANYONE to play with. And then who are they looking to???? Yep, me. Like I really want to play a BMX video game??? I thought the whole point of video games was that you could play them alone....

3. Laundry.....that is all.

4. Being a grown up is tough at times. When you are young you envision countless hours of free time and not having to answer to anyone and getting to spend your money on anything you want..... then you wake up one morning and realize that you are spending precious free moments running to the store to buy toilet paper....bubble popped.

5. There is nothing like the presence of God. And nothing like experiencing the presence of God corporately. I love it!!! I love having the privilege of leading people into the presence of God. I am humbled and encouraged each time. Today the congregation was singing so loud that it overpowered our monitors. Was wonderful!!!!

6. Gods' Word is the best book ever!!! Each time I spend time reading and studying I see and learn something new. A new facet of my Fathers character, a new name for my Savior, a new promise that is available to me. Incredible!!!

7. Being married is the best and hardest thing. I love my man so much!!! I am so blessed!!! But there are days when we don't agree and we annoy each other and maybe we don't really understand what the other is trying to say. But it's worth it. It's worth the work, worth the long conversations to clear up misunderstanding, worth being vulnerable, worth admitting when your wrong, worth saying sorry first, worth getting on your face before God and confessing and asking forgiveness for getting it wrong. It's worth it because I choose to love, he chooses to love me. Our sons see us choosing to love in spite of differences, they see that we don't always have to agree to love, in fact our differences make us stronger.  Fifteen years in and I still love my man!!!! And I will choose to love him for the rest of my life.

8. These days it seems that every time a person expresses an opinion about their own life at least one person will get offended and feel the need to attack or express a counter opinion. Why?? What happened to people being able to express themselves without complete strangers getting defensive and reacting? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Why is it so important for everyone to agree with the opinion?? I feel that a person that is secure in their beliefs, opinions and decisions should not be threatened by someone else's opinion. Just my thoughts, but then again I'm sure someone will disagree....hahaha

9. I said the word opinion way too many times in #8

10. I saw a Japanese Magnolia tree blooming today and it made me happy. Yes, a pink flower on a tree can do that. They are beautiful and I love them.

Happy first week of February. Hope it's a good one!!!

Ponderings

I was reading some of my blog posts from 2007 tonight. Remembering what my life was like 7 years ago. I had two very small little boys, my parents were still married, my family all lived in the same 150 mile radius, I was teaching music weekly to about 100 lovely little people, and I was much younger.

Things have changed quite a bit since then. Now both of my parents have remarried and I have step parents and step siblings. My parents have both moved away. Like over 500 miles away. My sister and her family moved 1,000 miles away. My brothers family is packing up and moving to North Carolina. Our boys are 8 & 10 years old. Our family has moved to Kansas and back again. If I'm honest I must admit that in some ways I am a bit more jaded than I was 7 years ago, less naive, and more skeptical. But I have also matured, I have seen God work miracles and bring freedom and deliverance. I have experienced His grace, His mercy, His compassion and His love. I have witnessed our two boys grow in the Lord. I see the gifts that God has put in them and I am privileged to help cultivate them and to train them up in the ways of the Lord. My life has known such joy being their mom. I can't imagine my life without them. What incredible gifts they are to my hubby and I. I see so much of him in them. Our oldest has his smile and hands. Our youngest has his caring spirit and ability to truly "listen". They both inherited his love of music and are excellent musicians. They love playing and writing music together. And they do it well, if I may say so myself. And my hubby......what a blessing he is to me. He works so hard to take care of us. But it's the moments that he spends with our boys that make my heart sing. I love to watch them throw the football around and tackle each other while giggling. Or watch some weird guy movie together, knowing that I am going to hate it. The days are going by so fast. I want them to slow down so much!!! My oldest reminds me daily that he is almost as tall as I. And exactly how many years and months until he gets his driving permit. And he tells me that he wants to be a train engineer, and a chef, and a concert pianist, and a composer for movies when he grows up. Our youngest wants to farm, to drive tractors and spend his days in the dirt. I could be way wrong but his personality makes me think that he would be content to stay in this area his entire life and do what his daddy does. But our oldest is the dreamer, the one that I feel we will launch into this big world and watch him fly. Then again, it's a long way off.....anything could happen.

Feeling thankful tonight for the many blessings in my life and for the road that the Lord has walked with me these last years. They have been different than I imagined but God is faithful and He does work everything for our good if we allow Him. I am walking in a new freedom and for that I am so grateful.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability.........such a loaded word. Without it, there cannot be intimacy, openness and closeness. But I find it hard to allow myself to be vulnerable until those things are already in place. So it's a catch 22. And I'm not just talking about in marriage. It's a given that vulnerability allows a depth of relationship with your  husband. But it's true in other areas too.

Sometimes I ache with a desire to have a really close friend, especially one that is close in proximity. But I find it hard to put myself out there. I don't want to be a bother or a burden.

Unfortunately habits are formed when we are young that are difficult to break when we grow up.  I grew up moving around the country. About the time we would get settled, it was time to move again. As I look back on my life I remember a few friends that made an impression, a lasting difference in my life. But there are also a lot more that were merely friendships of convenience. And I'm sure they would remember me the same way.

I find in this day of technology and social networking that I am even less likely to attempt connection. Everyone is so busy, their lives look or appear so full. I desire a face to face friend. One that can sit in my living room and talk to me. One that truly knows me. Not just my Sunday morning self. Or my homeschool co-op self. But knows me......the real me. To know that I love reading, and putting together puzzles, and using power tools, and playing music with my boys, and eating, but not really cooking.

So, this year I am going to put myself out there and be the friend that I would like to have. And pray that the Lord will bring people across my path that I can be a friend to, to encourage, to love on.

Way Too Long

Well, it's a new year and it occurred to me that I have not blogged in almost a year and a half. I did not write one blog at all in 2014. And it wasn't for lack of material.

I guess you could say this past year has been a year of transition for me. Not necessarily in the things you would notice every day but more subtle and internal. I have gained friends and had friends move away and move on. I have come to the realization that sometimes the only way to live a full life is to let go of the life you thought you would have. And sometimes you have to do it every day.

This past year brought me to 35 years old and I have to say that I am finding a new freedom in growing older. The opinions and expectations of others just don't carry the same weight as they did before. I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and trying to take the time to find out what exactly I like to do and what is my passion. Most folks figure that out during college but, as a life long people pleaser, I am a late bloomer.

Our homeschool journey continues and while some days I want to run away away and hide, we are still enjoying it and learning each day. I am being tested and stretched and having to learn a new way of doing things but it's worth it.

Not sure if this blog will remain public for much longer. I realized that I stopped writing at a time in my life when I was uncomfortable writing from my heart because I was not wanting just anybody to be able to read it. So I'm praying about what to do.

My God Is Enough

My God is enough for me today. Needing to remind myself.....and perhaps someone else. He is enough, no matter what.

If you can't beat them, join them

The last few weeks have been a lesson on patience and determination. I have struggled with our boys and their apathy in regards to school. It has made me question my abilities, my purpose, my approach and has left me tired.  I know that a couple weeks off always makes getting back into the groove difficult, but this has seemed like something else. I have been praying and attempting to talk reasonably with the boys. But after 2 weeks of saying the same thing over & over again, I kind of snapped. I laid down the law and did not allow them to express an opinion. The day went much smoother. I think my insecurities and doubt had spread and left them feeling like they could choose to NOT do school. I know that at times I would rather read than do the dishes, and so I do. I thought that I was teaching them to enjoy each day as it came but I think I have inadvertently taught them to procrastinate and to put off what they do not enjoy doing. NOT the lesson I hoped for.  So as I have been praying and seeking the Lord, I have heard him speak that I need to teach by example....not just teaching school subjects but how to live this life successfully and in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. It is time to step up and do better. Maya Angelou said "You did what you knew, and when you knew better, you did better".  So it is time to do better. I am praying for direction and divine inspiration. I am also praying that the Lord will help me to live MY life in a way that is pleasing to Him and is an example of goldy living that leads to a successful and joy-filled life.

Having A Day

Having a day...

when I feel overwhelmed.
when I feel under equipped.
when I feel WAY too hormonal.
when I want to eat chocolate.
when I want to cry.
when I feel sad.
when I feel happy.
when I feel like a failure.
when I can't seem to form a cohesive thought.
when I don't know how to help.
when I need encouragement.
when I need constructive criticism.
when every other song I hear makes me want to dance.
when every other song I hear makes me cry.
when I wish.........
when I need a friend.
when I realize that I am not the kind of friend I would like to have.
when I miss my hubby, even though we live in the same house.
when I am thankful.
when I wonder if I what I am doing is working.
when I miss family.
when I want to laugh.
when I need help.

Today I am a mother. Today I am a wife. Today I am the daughter of the King. And today that is enough...even if my flesh says something different.

Sun, sun, sun

Today the sun is shining. A nice change from the wet, wet conditions of the last 2 months. Our yard looks like a mud pit. I can't back out of the driveway without slipping and sliding in the dark brown ruts. All three of my fellas are working in the yard. What a nice day!

I am having a hard time organizing any kind of coherent, cohesive blog post so I thought I might try a Top Ten Random post.

Top Ten Favorites of the Moment:

1. Favorite Song: Beneath The Waters by Hillsong

2.Favorite Book: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

3. Favorite Food: Italian

4. Favorite Dessert: Moms Marble Cake from Food Glorious Food

5. Favorite Past-time: Reading, spending time with my family and those sweet conversations with my best-est girl friends

6. Favorite Chore to Avoid: mopping floors

7. Favorite Blog to Read: Fearfully Wonderfully by my awesome sister in law, Christy

8. Favorite Time of Day: as a night owl, I have to admit to the midnight hour.

9. Favorite Subject to Teach our boys: pretty much anything the gets them excited.....but I am hoping that they will love to read and write as much as their momma.

10. Favorite Sound: I have 2......the sound of our boys laughing together and our oldest son playing the piano. We are working on being able to record this songs so everyone else can enjoy them too. They are able to touch a place in my heart that not much else can.

I hope to be able to put together an update post soon.

A New School Year

Last week started a new school year at our house.  The boys were excited seeing all of their books and curriculum arrive in the mail. I was excited to have "things" to do to fill the long hours of summertime. We were very relaxed this summer and took a little over 2 months off. So it was time.

I decided to purchase curriculum this year that would allow me to teach both boys together. Last year I found it difficult to keep them separated...was also a lot more hours of prep and teaching. So I was excited that the youngest is now reading and writing and that we can study together.

I am continuing with Abeka for Language with both boys this year. First & Third grades. I learned phonics and reading with Abeka and it is working well for us. I am adding in some different handwriting and reading to supplement.

We love Alpha Omegas Horizons Math. This is our third year using it and we don't plan to change anytime soon. (First & Third grades)

We are using Apologia Astronomy for our science. The boys love it so far!

Road Trip USA by Confessions of a Homeschooler is our choice for Geography. The boys are enjoying it a lot! And so am I!

Apologia's Who Is God? is what we are using for Bible. It got lost in the mail so I just received it this week. I have looked through it and it looks good too.  Can't wait to try it out.

And lastly, we are using Mystery of History for History.

I like that the curriculum for science, geography, history and Bible all include arts & crafts and writing. It will make the school year a well rounded one.

Pretty sure this list is for my own reference. But if anyone else is reading, HAPPY NEW SCHOOL YEAR!!

Changes

So much going on right now. It could be so easy to become overwhelmed and dig my head in the sand. But what good would come from that? How would God reveal His glory? What would the testimony of my life be?

My heart is rejoicing and crying at the same time tonight.

To understand, I need to fill you in on what has been going on the last year.

My mom & dad were divorced 2 years ago after being separated for over 3 years.
That same month, my sister & I and our husbands and our 4 kiddos picked up and moved across the country. That tore my heart wide open. I found out later that it tore the heart of my mother even more. It is easy to put aside heartache when you are excited and looking forward, which is what I did. But we left her in the midst of her heartache and pain. We were her comfort, her friends, the only people on the planet that KNEW exactly what she was going through. And for some reason, the Lord led us to be parted at what was the most painful time of her life. Who can understand the ways of the Lord?

She pressed into the Lord, leaned into His arms, listened to His heart, sought His face, fell at His feet and began the healing of her heart. She learned to open up and be vulnerable. She had to seek out fellowship and deepen friendships. We all did. It is so easy to let your family become your whole world and rely on them instead of the Lord when things get tough. But we had to learn a new way. A better way. A way that could bring true healing.

A couple of months after moving across the country, my sister and her family moved away from the town where we all lived. God separated us even further. It broke my heart. I didn't understand it at all. But in the walking it out, I found a deeper relationship with my God and with my husband. What I hadn't realized until we were away from all of our family was that I had never done the "leaving & cleaving" that we vowed on our wedding day. He had always felt 2nd place in my life. My husband of 12 years became my best friend. Our family began changing in new and exciting ways.  And exactly a year after leaving the South and my family, we moved back to the South and the same house we had left behind. It had never sold and the Lord told us to pack up and head home. And we did.

We had not been home long at all when we found out that my mom was losing the house she had lived in for 16 years. She began looking for a place to live. After much searching and much frustration on her part, we felt like she was supposed to move in with us. She was reluctant at first, not wanting to impose. But as God shut every other door she agreed and moved into our house almost a year ago. What a tremendous blessing! We have had a wonderful year together.

A week before she moved in, I received a message on FB from a man that had known me as a child asking if my mom was on FB. His son had moved in across from my grandparents and he had heard that my mom & dad were divorced. His wife had passed away a couple of years earlier so he wanted to see how mom was doing.  He says that my mom was a "direct & immediate answer to prayer". He had prayed that day to the Lord to let his path cross with my mom. (Not sure how that would happen since they live 1,000 miles apart). But that night I signed onto FB for the first time in almost a year and he saw my name and sent the message. That began their story. They emailed for several months, then texted and eventually began talking on the phone. Mom would laugh and giggle while reading his emails and texts. And she began smiling again. Smiling a lot. It did my heart so good to see it. After many months of talking and seeing each other, he proposed and she accepted. And last week they were married. He is a wonderful man with a wonderful family. He loves the Lord with His whole heart and He loves His family, my mom and now our family with everything he has in him. He is honorable, compassionate, generous, kind, loving, selfless, funny, and he chose my mom. He cherishes her and I can see that she has opened up her heart again to receive love and she loves him so much in return. They are so sweet together. I am so happy for both of them. I am excited to see what God will do in their marriage and in their life together. It is a new beginning.

And today they left with all of her belongings in a moving truck to go to a town 1,000 miles away. So my heart is rejoicing in the love and excitement of this new beginning but crying because of the separation . I know that we will be fine and that God will walk us through, like He always has before. But I feel like this last year has been an undeserved gift, a surprise, a blessing. My, how things can change in a year.

So thankful to the Lord for this precious time. So thankful that I was allowed to see her fall in love again. So thankful to have watched her heal and open up her heart. So thankful to be with her while she shopped for her wedding dress. So thankful to have had her at our boys' baseball games this spring. So thankful for the presence and friendship of my sweet momma in our home. So thankful for love she gave, the time she shared, and the cake we have eaten together. I love you momma!!! I will miss having you close. Thank you for being my mom and my friend.  I look forward to seeing what God is going to do in your life. In the lives of our whole family. Jesus came to restore and I am seeing it happen right before my eyes.

Here is the song that all the kids sang at the wedding. It was precious!