Long Time, No See

 Whoa, I came across this blog again after a friend of mine asked if the page was still active. I had no idea. So, I looked it up and here we are. It has been a lifetime since I shared life online. I am only doing so now to have a place to put my thoughts together. 

Life looks much different than 10 years ago. Our oldest son is married and living 4 hours away from us with his wife. Our youngest is working hard and still saving up his money and making plans. I am almost an empty nester. My husband has his own business, and I am working with him when I can. The past year has been a struggle of identity. Who am I if I'm not a stay at home, homeschool momma? It has been weird. Add perimenopause into the mix and I have been a hot mess. But I have learned so much. We started attending a new church last year and it has been so life giving. The people are real and genuine and that is what we have needed after the last decade. So much pain, so much hurt, so much disappointment, questioning God, being angry at Him and all the other people He created. Seeking peace in places that were not peaceful. Learning to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can. Let me tell you a secret......the only thing I can change is me. It has been a painful journey but I'm thankful to have made it so that I could walk in the freedom of Christ. He is enough. He is the only true, faithful, stable thing. He doesn't change. He doesn't ask anything of me except to give Him everything. He will take care of the rest. As a recovering control freak, I am thankful.

I am not sure how often I will post. Don't really care if anyone else ever sees this. This is for me. 

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How did I get here??

I woke up today and realized that I have an "almost teenager",  my baby will soon be in double digits, I've been married 16 years, and I have a dog. Seems like life has sped by so quickly. The marriage and kid thing was expected but I seriously can't believe I'm a dog owner. Like, rearrange our entire lives and relinquish areas that were once precious to us to an animal, dog owner. Who am I?

It's funny how things constantly change yet remain the same all at the same time.

I've seen such growth and progress but then feel like I'm circling that same mountain for the 1,000th time.

I'm realizing that our firstborn is a bit of an enigma. He is a great deal like me but yet so different. His brain is always on, always listening (imagine August Rush), always thinking, always listening more, always deconstructing and reassembling, always hesitant to express himself verbally for fear of saying the wrong thing, but able to pour out his heart in a song like you can't believe. He is almost as tall as me, yet still my sweet little boy who yearns to be a man. Well, sometimes he wants to be a man. Other times he wants to shirk responsibility and sleep all day and be stinky like a boy. Guess I'm gonna have to look for those moments of wanting to grow up and seize the opportunity while he is still wants to sit and chat. That's another thing. He was always the chatterbox. From sun up to sun down he talked incessantly. For the first decade, my ears didn't get a rest. Then he turned 11. And he just stopped talking. I'm not used to it yet. Not sure how to handle this stage. Do I push, try to draw out or just let him be and come to me if he has something to say? I've never been an 11 year old boy so I'm out of my depth.

Then there is our youngest. Always alert, always seeing and noticing and stepping in to help. He sees people, and notices their eyes, mannerisms and tone. He is so compassionate and caring and will drop  a hat in a second to pray. He is also our frugal guy. He always has money and is thrifty about how he spends it. He can play the drums like a man three times his age and loves tractors and being outside. He still chats a lot. I love it!! He loves sandwiches and would eat them every day if I would let him. He is a wonderful compliment to his brother. The are the best of friends. My favorite thing is to hear them laugh and giggle together, unless it's bedtime. Then I'm not as amused. 😉
But they both love the Lord and want to please Him. I'm praying that they will follow that path for the rest of their lives.

Another school year is upon us and I now have a middle schooler. Yikes!! I'm going to have to step up my game.

So thankful that the Lord will equip me for the journey ahead. I'm going to need His help.

So, some things are the same, some are different. And that is exactly how it should be.

The Next Steps

I am a person that starts well, begins to feel like a failure at the first hiccup, talks negatively to myself until I give up and then feel defeated because I threw in the towel. I am discovering that there is a pattern, a deeply ingrained pattern that is slowly and subtley destroying me. I am tired of this cycle and have tried on numerous occasions to change, only to fail yet again. But I am beginning to realize that in some demented way, as much as I despise the failure, I am comfortable with it. I have spent so much time in that mindset that it has become my comfort zone. So apparently I am more terrified of finishing well, accomplishing something great (or even small). I get overwhelmed quickly and begin to freak out when I envision the many steps between me and my goal. It seems impossible, so instead of pushing through, I give up.  A behavior so ingrained that is has taken me 35 years to even see it. Crazy, huh? But something has happened to wake me up and shake some things in me. I have been a people pleaser my whole life but God is setting me free, free of the expectations of man, free of opinions of others and free of who I have thought I "should" be. It's a process but God is patient and is doing a new thing in me. But I am ready to move into His fullness in other areas too. I want to finish well. I want to walk in His peace, joy, love, compassion, health and purpose. So what He has been telling me is to focus on the "next" step, not the entire journey, but just the next step. To seek to glorify Him and to walk in obedience and to trust that He will carry the burden of everything else. I was not meant to shoulder everything, I don't have to carry the weight of all possible decisions or potential outcomes. I am simply to rest in Him, and to do the first thing, and then once that is finished, to do the next thing. Seems simple but I am praying for His peace, strength and joy as I attempt to learn a new way of doing things. The old way wasn't working so it's time to do it His way.

Musings

I am currently on a journey. A journey that is long overdue. An uncomfortable journey. An exciting journey. Terrifying, yet peaceful. 

I am on a journey to surrender. Surrendering to my Savior. I am learning to trust, to let go. I am not there yet, but I have taken the first step. And I am completely fine if no one ever reads this. But I need a place to put down my thoughts, a place where I can attempt to be honest and transparent with myself and God. I am an external processor. Yes, I am the lady at the grocery store who talks to herself. It helps me. Helps to talk it out, write I out, reread it a week later and see where I may have been wrong in my thinking. I want to chronicle this journey so I can see the progress made, remind myself of prayers answered, and publicly declare my love for Jesus. 

So if you don't want to take this ride, that's ok. Click over to the next blog. I won't be offended. I'm not writing it for you. But your welcome to come along if you like. 

Feelings

Feelings betray us. They set us up and then drop us on our faces. They are ever changing and not to be trusted. But oh how they are powerful. They scream to be heard and refuse to be ignored. They leave you feeling wrung out, disappointed and inadequate. Or perhaps the opposite, they make you feel important and on top of the world. But regardless of where you find yourself standing, they will soon change and take you on the emotional roller coaster yet again.

Today I am feeling like a failure, like I can't do anything right, like I am not making any real progress, that my life is somehow insignificant and that I am ruining the lives of those around me. I realize on an intellectual level that this is not truth, that these are simply reactionary feelings to current life circumstances, but they are still real thoughts and feelings. They are defeating thoughts, thoughts to keep me paralyzed and stuck instead of moving forward. 

Praying today to the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13), who formed me (Psalm 119:73), and has a plan and a purpose for me (Jeremiah 29:11).  A plan to mature me (Hebrews 6: 1-2), to use me (Isaiah 6:8),  to refine me (I Peter 1:7), to transform my mind (Romans 12:2), and give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I am who He says I am.

Speed Bump

Life happens. Disappointments come. Plans fall through. Things don't turn out as expected.

But God is still good. He is still sovereign. He is still loving. He still has a future and a hope for me. A future for my good and one that will bring Him glory.

I keep going. I won't quit. I will still trust and have faith.

Because He is worth it. And anything temporal and earthly is nothing compared to His glory.

Object Lesson

Areas in our lives that need overhauling sometimes go unnoticed, whether by denial or we are so entrenched in our behaviors that we don't recognize that they need changing.

This morning brought with it a wake up call of sorts. It wasn't a terrible morning, or anything earth shattering. Just a feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting to pass the buck and lay blame at the feet of others. In that moment of frustration, I felt the quiet nudging of the Holy Spirit say "this is the day you created,  not me." He did not create this day to be filled with chaos, clutter and exasperation, but I did by my choices, my attitude and the habits I walk out each day.

If my children are struggling with being undisciplined, it is because I have modeled that as a lifestyle before them. If my home and its chores are driving me crazy, it is because I have lived habits that enable it to get that way. If it's noon and we have not yet begun our schoolday, it is not the fault of my children. That responsibility lays squarely at my feet. I set the tone in my home. I can choose to be proactive and mature or continually play catch up and feel overwhelmed all the time. The choice is mine.

I am thankful this morning for a Heavenly Father that offers new mercies every morning, a new beginning to start again. He offers forgiveness for past sins and failures and He lifts me up and shows me a new way, a better way, His way.

I am going to extend mercy and grace to myself and my boys today but also seek the Lord and His wisdom to teach me His way. The way of maturity, wisdom, freedom and blessing.

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever may be your task, work at heartily as something done for the Lord and not for men. Knowing with all certainty that it is from the Lord and not from men that you will receive an inheritance which is your real reward. The One who you are actually serving is the Lord Christ.

An inheritance? What kind of inheritance am I leaving behind? Praying today that the Lord will walk me through and teach me how to leave a godly inheritance.

Thankful for His mercies, grace, compassion and love today and every day.