Love of my Heavenly Father

I have not walked this earth for decades and decades but I have been here long enough to figure out that dissapointments and hurt feelings are just part of the human experience. So why are we so surprised when we encounter situations, circumstances, and people that seem to leave a wake of pain behind them? Jesus clearly stated while he was here that "we would have tribulations, but to be of good cheer".  So He told us that we would face times that left us breathless, times that made us want to scream at the sky and times that would leave us curled into a ball and crying so hard that we could barely catch a breath. And most of the time when we find ourselves in those places, we want so badly to rage at a person, at a relationship and deflect any part we may have played. Because lets face it, sometimes our own choices set us up for the flood of pain and consequences that will ultimately follow. It is the simple principle of sowing and reaping....there is no way around it. But what about the times when we are walking through the consequences of reaping what someone else sowed?

I am in that place today......what is to be my response? Am I to even have one? Do I have the right to once again begin rebuilding the wall around my heart? Does the wall even help?

From my experience I have found that once you start building the wall of self-preservation you cannot choose what it keeps out. It is a wall....it has a purpose.....it protects....but it also keeps out joys, peace, potentially healthy relationships, visions of what the future can hold. A wall keeps you locked in with yourself and with the unforgiveness, the dissapointments, the bitterness and all those unresolved emotions that you don't deal with.

A wall is not worth it. It might keep out some bad stuff but it locks you away from the joys of life and the life you could have if you just lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. He said that He would carry our burdens. He is not offended by our pain, He is not surprised by our failings, He alone is strong to carry it all.

He is the ONLY one that walk us out of the darkness and into the light of His salvation and deliverance. No other man was meant to fill me up, not my father, not my husband, not a friend, a brother, a pastor, a teacher. Man is human, he will fail us, he will dissapoint, he will not understand, he will offend, he will get it wrong. And if we as women are tying who we are to how we feel when we are with them, then we will always feel like we are lacking, we will never be validated, our self esteem with always suffer, we will feel unworthy. Because at the end of the day others will make choices that hurt us, they will brush us aside and we will feel that pain of that rejection. Many times those people don't know that they even had that profound impact on us.....they are simply sinful people walking through life just like we are. I wonder how many times I have made others feel that way because I was so wrapped in myself that thinking of how the impact of my decisions would affect others just wasn't as important as my own wants and needs.

My Heavenly Father is the only one that will not dissapoint and let me down. He is constant in His love. He never changes, He created me so He could love me and to be loved in return. I need to rest in the fact that He will hold my heart in His capable loving hands and He will never drop it or let it shatter. And Jesus is faithful to take those places that feel raw and hurting and he will rub in the balm of His love and acceptance and make it new. I praise the love of my life, Jesus Christ, for loving me enough to not shy away when I am upset and crying out for justice.....instead He draws me close in His arms and sings over me the songs of grace, mercy, joy and peace. I cannot fathom the depth of that kind of love. But I am reminded every day, for His mercies are new every morning. I may not have gotten it right today but He loves me through it and He loves me into being the woman He created me to be.

A Heart of Thanksgiving

Today is the day to share what has been going on in our house lately.

First, hubby is still out of work due to a back injury. It is the 4th week of him being at home. I love my hubby so much it has been hard to see him in pain and not able to work. He loves to work....it is what he does for fun. I honestly think that I have spent more time with him this last month than in the 12 years of marriage. I have enjoyed having him home and the boys have too. But I know that hubby is ready to be back at work. So praying for complete healing for his back. The last month has just about convinced him that he needs a career change.....we will see.

Our youngest son is almost 6 years old. When he was 2 and he began to really speak clearly he started telling us that his heart was "beeping". He would hold his chest, lay in our arms and get pale. His heart would race and beat so hard that it felt like it would just jump out of his little chest. We mentioned these episodes to the pediatrician and they did not have any answers for us. They said that unless he had an episode while we were at the office that they could not help us. Since the episodes only lasted a minute or two and only occurred infrequently we didn't really worry about it. But as he got older we started to notice correlations between certain activities and episodes. For a while he would have them while driving home from church on Sundays. We thought they might be triggered by certain food dyes or sugars so we asked church teachers to not let him have snacks. It seemed to help a little. But throughout the last few years they would just happen, we would sit with him and then they would stop. Fast forward to this last summer. He began having more frequent episodes and they began lasting longer than a few minutes. In July we ended up in the ER because a series of 5 episodes occurred less than 10 minutes apart and each one increased in duration. The last one lasted well over an hour. They were finally get an EKG of what was going on and were able to help the episode stop. That began a journey to the pediatrician, a pediatric cardiologist, a pediatric cardiovascular surgeon and finally a surgery to fix the heart. His diagnosis is SVT (Supraventricular Tachycardia) and we have found that it is quite common. Amazing how something you have never heard of could be common. But as we began talking about it we found many others that have had the same issue. The pediatric cardiologist surgeon recommended an ablation and at first we decided to wait and not rush into anything. Having a 5 year old go under anesthesia is not something we were wanting. So we called the doctor and told him that we were not going to have it done at this time. Our son had not had any episodes since our visit with him almost a month earlier and we were praying for complete healing without surgery. But a couple weeks later while we were all outside working in the yard, we heard a wail and he came to us with tears streaming down his face because he was having another episode. I had not seen such fear on his face before and it broke my heart. The episode lasted quite a while and nothing we did seemed to help. It finally went back into rythym and he calmed down. About an hour later we were talking with him and he told us that he wanted to have the ablation done so his heart would be fixed. When a child asks for something like that all you can do is say YES! So I called and scheduled the abalation. There have been hiccups along the way with insurance companies and hospital deductibles but the Lord used the body of Christ to provide and we were able to get him registered for the surgery last week. He was admitted at 6:00 Monday morning and we said our goodbyes to him at 8:00. The surgery lasted a very long 5 hours. The doctor was able to map the heart, isolate the area that was causing the problem, used freezing energy to destroy that area of tissue and when they tried to trigger the heart to go into SVT again it wouldn't do it. So the surgery was a success. He came out of surgery feeing very yucky but that passed in a few hours and by that night he was sipping water and eating crackers. He slept all night and woke up yesterday bright eyed and ready to go home. His incision sites are healing wonderfully and he has not mentioned any pain at all. We arrived at home yesterday afternoon and he is doing great!!!

So here is my list of praise!

We are so thankful for a successful surgery!
We are thankful for a wonderful doctor that was passionate, gentle of spirit, skilled and very good at communicating with our son and with my hubby & I. We truly felt like our son was his only patient. God had His hand on the whole situation.
We are thankful for the wonderful nurses that our son had while in the hospital. I think he even developed a bit of a crush on the "pretty one" (his words)
We are so thankful for family & friends that have supported us in prayers and financial gifts during this time. We are truly blessed and loved!!
And we give thanks to the One that created our son, knows him inside and out and was with us through this entire time. His peace, provision, and His Presence has made all of the difference!
Thanks be to GOD for His good gifts and for going before us with favor and preparing the way!
Thankful for a quick recovery and complete healing.
I am overwhelmed by the bigness of my God and that He has done so much for us!!!
We are learning so much and I am trusting that the plan and purpose He has had for this great and we will look back and remember how God brought us through and that others will see a testimony of the greatness and love of GOD.

Be blessed!