Ponderings

I was reading some of my blog posts from 2007 tonight. Remembering what my life was like 7 years ago. I had two very small little boys, my parents were still married, my family all lived in the same 150 mile radius, I was teaching music weekly to about 100 lovely little people, and I was much younger.

Things have changed quite a bit since then. Now both of my parents have remarried and I have step parents and step siblings. My parents have both moved away. Like over 500 miles away. My sister and her family moved 1,000 miles away. My brothers family is packing up and moving to North Carolina. Our boys are 8 & 10 years old. Our family has moved to Kansas and back again. If I'm honest I must admit that in some ways I am a bit more jaded than I was 7 years ago, less naive, and more skeptical. But I have also matured, I have seen God work miracles and bring freedom and deliverance. I have experienced His grace, His mercy, His compassion and His love. I have witnessed our two boys grow in the Lord. I see the gifts that God has put in them and I am privileged to help cultivate them and to train them up in the ways of the Lord. My life has known such joy being their mom. I can't imagine my life without them. What incredible gifts they are to my hubby and I. I see so much of him in them. Our oldest has his smile and hands. Our youngest has his caring spirit and ability to truly "listen". They both inherited his love of music and are excellent musicians. They love playing and writing music together. And they do it well, if I may say so myself. And my hubby......what a blessing he is to me. He works so hard to take care of us. But it's the moments that he spends with our boys that make my heart sing. I love to watch them throw the football around and tackle each other while giggling. Or watch some weird guy movie together, knowing that I am going to hate it. The days are going by so fast. I want them to slow down so much!!! My oldest reminds me daily that he is almost as tall as I. And exactly how many years and months until he gets his driving permit. And he tells me that he wants to be a train engineer, and a chef, and a concert pianist, and a composer for movies when he grows up. Our youngest wants to farm, to drive tractors and spend his days in the dirt. I could be way wrong but his personality makes me think that he would be content to stay in this area his entire life and do what his daddy does. But our oldest is the dreamer, the one that I feel we will launch into this big world and watch him fly. Then again, it's a long way off.....anything could happen.

Feeling thankful tonight for the many blessings in my life and for the road that the Lord has walked with me these last years. They have been different than I imagined but God is faithful and He does work everything for our good if we allow Him. I am walking in a new freedom and for that I am so grateful.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability.........such a loaded word. Without it, there cannot be intimacy, openness and closeness. But I find it hard to allow myself to be vulnerable until those things are already in place. So it's a catch 22. And I'm not just talking about in marriage. It's a given that vulnerability allows a depth of relationship with your  husband. But it's true in other areas too.

Sometimes I ache with a desire to have a really close friend, especially one that is close in proximity. But I find it hard to put myself out there. I don't want to be a bother or a burden.

Unfortunately habits are formed when we are young that are difficult to break when we grow up.  I grew up moving around the country. About the time we would get settled, it was time to move again. As I look back on my life I remember a few friends that made an impression, a lasting difference in my life. But there are also a lot more that were merely friendships of convenience. And I'm sure they would remember me the same way.

I find in this day of technology and social networking that I am even less likely to attempt connection. Everyone is so busy, their lives look or appear so full. I desire a face to face friend. One that can sit in my living room and talk to me. One that truly knows me. Not just my Sunday morning self. Or my homeschool co-op self. But knows me......the real me. To know that I love reading, and putting together puzzles, and using power tools, and playing music with my boys, and eating, but not really cooking.

So, this year I am going to put myself out there and be the friend that I would like to have. And pray that the Lord will bring people across my path that I can be a friend to, to encourage, to love on.

Way Too Long

Well, it's a new year and it occurred to me that I have not blogged in almost a year and a half. I did not write one blog at all in 2014. And it wasn't for lack of material.

I guess you could say this past year has been a year of transition for me. Not necessarily in the things you would notice every day but more subtle and internal. I have gained friends and had friends move away and move on. I have come to the realization that sometimes the only way to live a full life is to let go of the life you thought you would have. And sometimes you have to do it every day.

This past year brought me to 35 years old and I have to say that I am finding a new freedom in growing older. The opinions and expectations of others just don't carry the same weight as they did before. I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and trying to take the time to find out what exactly I like to do and what is my passion. Most folks figure that out during college but, as a life long people pleaser, I am a late bloomer.

Our homeschool journey continues and while some days I want to run away away and hide, we are still enjoying it and learning each day. I am being tested and stretched and having to learn a new way of doing things but it's worth it.

Not sure if this blog will remain public for much longer. I realized that I stopped writing at a time in my life when I was uncomfortable writing from my heart because I was not wanting just anybody to be able to read it. So I'm praying about what to do.