A Cracked Resolve

Today I am missing my dad. I miss talking to him. I miss giving him a hug. I miss hearing him laugh (seems like forever since I have heard that). And as I was putting a load of laundry in the washer I was thinking about how much I miss him. And mourning that he is not near. And then I was stuck with the absurdity of my train of thought. My dad is still alive & breathing and living less than 600 miles away. All it would take to see him would be a phone call or even a text. I know that he would come. Would he come with all the strings attatched that I laid out? Obviously not, since I have not seen him in over a year and a half. But what is more important? Having a relationship on my terms? Or have a relationship....PERIOD.  I know that my hubby must want to shake his head at me and my selfishness. His dad died 20 years ago and he will never have the opportunity to sit and have a conversation with him again. He won't get to go fishing. Or show him the sweet sons we have been blessed with. My hubby has been so supportive of me during the past 6 years and has stood by my side in every decision and disappointment but today I feel like I am seeing for the first time what a sacrifice it must have been for him. I know that he loves my dad too. I know that he misses him. So I haven't just allowed the broken relationship with my dad to affect me, but those I love most.

I heard recently that forgiveness is giving up hope of a different past. It is something that I have been meditating on daily. Would I like for all my expectations to be met? Would I like things to go the way I want them? Of course! I am human with a flesh heart that wants what I want. But that thinking can keep me out of relationship with my dad and it would be own choice. As much as I would like to blame him and his new wife, I know that we are equally to blame. So what to do?

I know what God would have me do. But it doesn't make my flesh happy. And in some weird way it almost seems like to soften my heart and to open it up again would be conceding defeat. Like I have been playing chicken with my dad, waiting for him to capitulate first and to do what would make me the most comfortable..... but that isn't reality and it isn't the way to approach life or any problems that arise. I also have felt that because I have been so vocal about my stance and my opinions regarding everything that if I change my mind and reach out that I will need to explain myself to those that know me best. I am sure that they will not understand, they might want to discourage me, they want to protect me. And my pride wants to stay resolved so I don't have to have an uncomfortable conversation. Seems so ridiculous as I am typing this. But that is the truth of the matter and where my heart & head have been.  But God would have me respond differently....to reach out, even knowing that I might be rejected. To love, even if it isn't reciprocated. To be kind, even if my feelings get hurt. To forgive, even if the "magic words" I have been waiting on never come. Why? Because Christ did all of that for me. He loved me, even when I have not loved Him back. He reaches out to me constantly, even when I reject Him. He shows me kindness, grace, mercy and compassion even when my selfishness and arrogance continually hurt His heart. And He forgave me just because I asked. He died to forgive me, even knowing that I might never ask. He did it in anticipation of a relationship with me. He laid it all out on the line. He didn't make me jump through hoops or expect me to have it all together before He loved me. No, He loves me because He wants to. He created me so He could love me and so that I might love Him in return. And it is only because He loves me that I am even capable of loving Him and anyone else. I heard the other day that "being faithful to God & being comfortable rarely go hand in hand". How true!! To do what God asks of me will require that I sacrifice my fleshly wants, desires & plans in order to have something better.

So where I am today is at a crossroads of sorts. Do I continue on the road I have been walking, with new revelation and choose to be disobedient and out of the will of God? Or do I take a step of faith and walk in obedience and trust that God will walk beside holding my hand, guiding me and keeping watch over my heart? I know the cost of doing nothing.....it is a lifetime of wasted time with my dad. And I am just not willing to do that anymore. So I guess it is time to CHOOSE something different. It is a choice, every day and in every moment. There is a lot of work still to be done but I feel in my heart that it will be worth it. And the benefit? A restored relationship with my dad, our sons would get to have their grandpa back, my hubby would get to be in relationship with my dad again too.

So much to think about, pray about and to walk out. Asking for prayers today as I prepare to step out onto a new road.