Pressing On

I have noticed in my own life that when I am feeling on top of things and positive that I blog alot more. And then when I am struggling with things I tend to let weeks pass without a post.  These past couple of weeks are case in point. There has not been any major drama or hardships. We are blessed and doing fine. But there are some issues that I am dealing with. In the past I would keep them to myself or talk them over with my sister and then act to everyone else like I am "fine". Why do we do that? Why do we walk around telling everyone that we are fine when we are not? Would it really ruin someone's day if they found out that I was human? Or that I don't have all the answers? Or that my family isn't perfect? Would they judge me harshly and then throw me away? I don't think so. I think it would be refreshing to them that truly "know" me. To know what makes me tick. 

I had a friend tell me a few months ago that even though we had been friends for almost 3 years that she didn't know me well at all. She said that I deflected questions and always turned conversations to what was going on with her. I didn't even realize that I had done it. But I trust her and her honesty and know that she wouldn't have said it unless it was true. I don't know why I do this. Perhaps it is because my parents were pastors and we were always supposed to "have it together". I became quite adept at smiling and not really engaging with people. I also tended to attract people that were quite alright that our friendship revolved around them and their drama. And I must have been okay with it as well, because I stuck around. It kept me from having to be vulnerable and open. I could hide my feelings behind my smile or cute little anecdote and deflect.

And I have found that I have done the same thing on my blog. I am sure that you would be shocked to find out that I am an imperfect person that struggles with insecurity, doubt, laziness, and has some serious daddy issues going on right now.  No? You aren't surprised? You can relate? Really? Well then lets talk.

My dad walked away from my mom and our family almost 5 years ago. And I am still upset, still angry, still sad and some days I want to learn karate just so I can kick someone's butt!  I am tired of seeing how it has affected our family, my marriage, our children. I know that everyone else out there that has dealt with this know exactly what I am talking about. The ripples just keep coming. And I tend to swing from trying to have a relationship with my dad and just accepting him where he is to wanting to shut him out. Right now I am missing him so much yet he hasn't been to see us since we moved back to Georgia last April. I am having trouble processing what that means. Does he not care? Does he just not care enough? Are we not important enough? Should I take this personally? Is this just a symptom of a deeper issue? So many questions!

Just needing to vent it out and process some stuff. I know that things will get better. Just praying for wisdom on how to go forward from here.