Goals

 I am not great at follow through on goals. I am a wonderful researcher, planner, organizer, list maker and starter. I have so much determination and motivation for approximately 36 hours.  I have collected a wide array of hobbies and the needed supplies. I have donated more unopened materials to Salvation Army than I would care to admit. I own various exercise equipment, workout dvds, and sports bras. But I don't workout. I am not sure what all of these behaviors say about me. I have the best of intentions but still do not follow through. 

 But I know that I am a wonderful mom, a faithful wife and friend. I have displayed so much perseverance and determination in these areas.  I have dug in my heels and refused to give up, I have pushed through to do the hard things. I have done the work to still be on this side of death, I am still married, I am still here. I have plowed through impossible odds, I have crushed my pride to seek help, and I have put one foot in front of the other each day. 

 So, what does this say about me? I'm not really sure. But I have reached the point in my life that I no longer really care. Life is what it is. I am who I am. And I like her. Even if I never finish those things that are just not that important. Because I have learned what is. And today that is enough. 

Long Time, No See

 Whoa, I came across this blog again after a friend of mine asked if the page was still active. I had no idea. So, I looked it up and here we are. It has been a lifetime since I shared life online. I am only doing so now to have a place to put my thoughts together. 

Life looks much different than 10 years ago. Our oldest son is married and living 4 hours away from us with his wife. Our youngest is working hard and still saving up his money and making plans. I am almost an empty nester. My husband has his own business, and I am working with him when I can. The past year has been a struggle of identity. Who am I if I'm not a stay at home, homeschool momma? It has been weird. Add perimenopause into the mix and I have been a hot mess. But I have learned so much. We started attending a new church last year and it has been so life giving. The people are real and genuine and that is what we have needed after the last decade. So much pain, so much hurt, so much disappointment, questioning God, being angry at Him and all the other people He created. Seeking peace in places that were not peaceful. Learning to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can. Let me tell you a secret......the only thing I can change is me. It has been a painful journey but I'm thankful to have made it so that I could walk in the freedom of Christ. He is enough. He is the only true, faithful, stable thing. He doesn't change. He doesn't ask anything of me except to give Him everything. He will take care of the rest. As a recovering control freak, I am thankful.

I am not sure how often I will post. Don't really care if anyone else ever sees this. This is for me. 

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