How did I get here??

I woke up today and realized that I have an "almost teenager",  my baby will soon be in double digits, I've been married 16 years, and I have a dog. Seems like life has sped by so quickly. The marriage and kid thing was expected but I seriously can't believe I'm a dog owner. Like, rearrange our entire lives and relinquish areas that were once precious to us to an animal, dog owner. Who am I?

It's funny how things constantly change yet remain the same all at the same time.

I've seen such growth and progress but then feel like I'm circling that same mountain for the 1,000th time.

I'm realizing that our firstborn is a bit of an enigma. He is a great deal like me but yet so different. His brain is always on, always listening (imagine August Rush), always thinking, always listening more, always deconstructing and reassembling, always hesitant to express himself verbally for fear of saying the wrong thing, but able to pour out his heart in a song like you can't believe. He is almost as tall as me, yet still my sweet little boy who yearns to be a man. Well, sometimes he wants to be a man. Other times he wants to shirk responsibility and sleep all day and be stinky like a boy. Guess I'm gonna have to look for those moments of wanting to grow up and seize the opportunity while he is still wants to sit and chat. That's another thing. He was always the chatterbox. From sun up to sun down he talked incessantly. For the first decade, my ears didn't get a rest. Then he turned 11. And he just stopped talking. I'm not used to it yet. Not sure how to handle this stage. Do I push, try to draw out or just let him be and come to me if he has something to say? I've never been an 11 year old boy so I'm out of my depth.

Then there is our youngest. Always alert, always seeing and noticing and stepping in to help. He sees people, and notices their eyes, mannerisms and tone. He is so compassionate and caring and will drop  a hat in a second to pray. He is also our frugal guy. He always has money and is thrifty about how he spends it. He can play the drums like a man three times his age and loves tractors and being outside. He still chats a lot. I love it!! He loves sandwiches and would eat them every day if I would let him. He is a wonderful compliment to his brother. The are the best of friends. My favorite thing is to hear them laugh and giggle together, unless it's bedtime. Then I'm not as amused. 😉
But they both love the Lord and want to please Him. I'm praying that they will follow that path for the rest of their lives.

Another school year is upon us and I now have a middle schooler. Yikes!! I'm going to have to step up my game.

So thankful that the Lord will equip me for the journey ahead. I'm going to need His help.

So, some things are the same, some are different. And that is exactly how it should be.

The Next Steps

I am a person that starts well, begins to feel like a failure at the first hiccup, talks negatively to myself until I give up and then feel defeated because I threw in the towel. I am discovering that there is a pattern, a deeply ingrained pattern that is slowly and subtley destroying me. I am tired of this cycle and have tried on numerous occasions to change, only to fail yet again. But I am beginning to realize that in some demented way, as much as I despise the failure, I am comfortable with it. I have spent so much time in that mindset that it has become my comfort zone. So apparently I am more terrified of finishing well, accomplishing something great (or even small). I get overwhelmed quickly and begin to freak out when I envision the many steps between me and my goal. It seems impossible, so instead of pushing through, I give up.  A behavior so ingrained that is has taken me 35 years to even see it. Crazy, huh? But something has happened to wake me up and shake some things in me. I have been a people pleaser my whole life but God is setting me free, free of the expectations of man, free of opinions of others and free of who I have thought I "should" be. It's a process but God is patient and is doing a new thing in me. But I am ready to move into His fullness in other areas too. I want to finish well. I want to walk in His peace, joy, love, compassion, health and purpose. So what He has been telling me is to focus on the "next" step, not the entire journey, but just the next step. To seek to glorify Him and to walk in obedience and to trust that He will carry the burden of everything else. I was not meant to shoulder everything, I don't have to carry the weight of all possible decisions or potential outcomes. I am simply to rest in Him, and to do the first thing, and then once that is finished, to do the next thing. Seems simple but I am praying for His peace, strength and joy as I attempt to learn a new way of doing things. The old way wasn't working so it's time to do it His way.

Musings

I am currently on a journey. A journey that is long overdue. An uncomfortable journey. An exciting journey. Terrifying, yet peaceful. 

I am on a journey to surrender. Surrendering to my Savior. I am learning to trust, to let go. I am not there yet, but I have taken the first step. And I am completely fine if no one ever reads this. But I need a place to put down my thoughts, a place where I can attempt to be honest and transparent with myself and God. I am an external processor. Yes, I am the lady at the grocery store who talks to herself. It helps me. Helps to talk it out, write I out, reread it a week later and see where I may have been wrong in my thinking. I want to chronicle this journey so I can see the progress made, remind myself of prayers answered, and publicly declare my love for Jesus. 

So if you don't want to take this ride, that's ok. Click over to the next blog. I won't be offended. I'm not writing it for you. But your welcome to come along if you like. 

Feelings

Feelings betray us. They set us up and then drop us on our faces. They are ever changing and not to be trusted. But oh how they are powerful. They scream to be heard and refuse to be ignored. They leave you feeling wrung out, disappointed and inadequate. Or perhaps the opposite, they make you feel important and on top of the world. But regardless of where you find yourself standing, they will soon change and take you on the emotional roller coaster yet again.

Today I am feeling like a failure, like I can't do anything right, like I am not making any real progress, that my life is somehow insignificant and that I am ruining the lives of those around me. I realize on an intellectual level that this is not truth, that these are simply reactionary feelings to current life circumstances, but they are still real thoughts and feelings. They are defeating thoughts, thoughts to keep me paralyzed and stuck instead of moving forward. 

Praying today to the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13), who formed me (Psalm 119:73), and has a plan and a purpose for me (Jeremiah 29:11).  A plan to mature me (Hebrews 6: 1-2), to use me (Isaiah 6:8),  to refine me (I Peter 1:7), to transform my mind (Romans 12:2), and give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I am who He says I am.

Speed Bump

Life happens. Disappointments come. Plans fall through. Things don't turn out as expected.

But God is still good. He is still sovereign. He is still loving. He still has a future and a hope for me. A future for my good and one that will bring Him glory.

I keep going. I won't quit. I will still trust and have faith.

Because He is worth it. And anything temporal and earthly is nothing compared to His glory.

Object Lesson

Areas in our lives that need overhauling sometimes go unnoticed, whether by denial or we are so entrenched in our behaviors that we don't recognize that they need changing.

This morning brought with it a wake up call of sorts. It wasn't a terrible morning, or anything earth shattering. Just a feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting to pass the buck and lay blame at the feet of others. In that moment of frustration, I felt the quiet nudging of the Holy Spirit say "this is the day you created,  not me." He did not create this day to be filled with chaos, clutter and exasperation, but I did by my choices, my attitude and the habits I walk out each day.

If my children are struggling with being undisciplined, it is because I have modeled that as a lifestyle before them. If my home and its chores are driving me crazy, it is because I have lived habits that enable it to get that way. If it's noon and we have not yet begun our schoolday, it is not the fault of my children. That responsibility lays squarely at my feet. I set the tone in my home. I can choose to be proactive and mature or continually play catch up and feel overwhelmed all the time. The choice is mine.

I am thankful this morning for a Heavenly Father that offers new mercies every morning, a new beginning to start again. He offers forgiveness for past sins and failures and He lifts me up and shows me a new way, a better way, His way.

I am going to extend mercy and grace to myself and my boys today but also seek the Lord and His wisdom to teach me His way. The way of maturity, wisdom, freedom and blessing.

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever may be your task, work at heartily as something done for the Lord and not for men. Knowing with all certainty that it is from the Lord and not from men that you will receive an inheritance which is your real reward. The One who you are actually serving is the Lord Christ.

An inheritance? What kind of inheritance am I leaving behind? Praying today that the Lord will walk me through and teach me how to leave a godly inheritance.

Thankful for His mercies, grace, compassion and love today and every day.

Wall Coming Down

There are times in our lives that we get a feeling that something is just around the corner. Perhaps it starts out as a feeling of anticipation or maybe nervousness. But regardless of how it begins it starts to grow. The only way I can really explain it is to liken it to pregnancy. It starts as an egg and then through time and nurturing the baby grows and matures and we give birth, not to an unformed thing but to a fully developed person.

I believe that sometimes God works the same way in our lives. He will plant the seed of a dream in our hearts. However, we can choose whether to nurture the seed or starve it. Our choice, all ours.

I know that there are many dreams in me, they have been there for a long time, but I have allowed so many distractions to starve them. I have longed to truly develop my giftings but fear has kept me paralyzed. I have longed for deep relationships but fear of rejection and the tendency to compare has left me lonely. I have dreamed of writing but poor time management has left me with no time.  I desire to write songs but I haven't cultivated the areas of my life that would enable to do it well. I see things around me every day where I know that I could make a difference but I have not been bold.

As I look back at my life I can see the walls I have built around myself. Walls that I thought would protect me from hurt and disappointment but instead they have isolated me and held me captive.

BUT I feel a change coming. I am no longer content with things the way they are. I am experiencing a new relationship with my Father God. I am seeing who He is through His Word. I have a new hunger for His Word and for His presence. I know that He is blowing the dust off of me and calling me higher. He is igniting new passions and relighting the fires of my dreams. I feel a change in the air. And what's more, I am seeing the walls come down, brick by brick. He is exposing the lies I have believed and showing me truth, His truth, who He says I am. He is redefining me through His identity. I am excited and expectant. I am experiencing a new freedom.

Guess what? I don't have to be liked by everyone. I am loved by Christ. I don't have to please men. I am loved by God. I am called to love Him and please Him and glorify Him, not men. I am to love my neighbor but I am not called to please them. It's ok if they don't agree with me. The only one I need to agree with is my Savior Jesus Christ. He is my example. And while He walked the earth, most folks didn't like Him, didn't agree with Him, and they certainly didn't understand most of what He said and did.  But He walked out His calling anyway. He loved. He walked in love, spoke with love, with compassion and loved even to the point of sacrifice but He did not seek to please.

The winds of change are blowing and I am excited. I am expectant at what God is doing in me and my family.  The time is now to step out and walk in what God is calling me to do, whatever that is each day and in each moment.

"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."

My new song of declaration!!! Bethel- No Longer Slaves